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Bag of Apricots

An Article on
Abuse Within the Missions Program, and the Unbiblical Justifications.

Walk as children of light—for the fruit of the light consists of all goodness, righteousness, and truth—testing what is pleasing to the Lord. Don’t participate in the fruitless works of darkness, but instead expose them. For it is shameful even to mention what is done by them in secret. Everything exposed by the light is made visible, for what makes everything visible is light. Therefore it is said:  “Get up, sleeper, and rise up from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.”

Eph 5:8–14

 

And you will know the truth and the truth will set you free

John 8:32

Introduction

What happens to people when secrecy takes over a Christian organization? Is it ever beneficial for truth to be withheld from the people it most directly affects? Leaders of Fusion at Spurgeon College justify their approach with an ambiguous claim: If we told you ahead of time, you would’ve never signed up. About every issue I’ve raised with the Fusion program has boiled down to leaders who on the most basic level are saying, “I just know better, trust me.” A much more clear statement usually follows: Anyone who disagrees with our methods is simply not cut out for being a part of God’s mission.
 
I believe I have been called to missions among the unreached people of the world. I write this article to expose the abusive actions and words central to the Fusion method, to explain how they defend their approach with incorrect applications of Scripture, and to show myself as an example of faith in the God who really does give His children a desire to sign up for suffering so others may hear and live. Only, not suffering at the hands of our Christian leaders.
 
For those who have been hurt by Fusion, I pray my writing offers you hope, freedom from shame, and validation in the things that really did happen to you at an accredited College and Seminary.
 
For the Administrators at Spurgeon College and Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary who are in charge of overseeing what happens through your institution, I pray my writing challenges you to consider why you’re allowing Fusion to continue operating in secrecy.
 
For the Fusion leaders I once followed, especially those who will know that certain examples are of them, I pray that you hear grace and forgiveness in my writing and find freedom by examining whether you’re following a system or following Christ alone. 
 
For those in the application process to be Fusion candidates, I pray that my writing informs you and allows you to ask direct questions on whether or not certain actions and speech will occur in the process so that you may make a fully informed decision on the type of missions training God desires you to receive.
 
Keep reading, or navigate the the tabs on each topic for my own experience and analysis of Fusion. I know through my personal study of spiritually abusive systems that what I went through is not justifiable in any way, but it is also not uncommon. If you feel you may be unaware of how systems become abusive in ministry settings, I encourage reading The Subtle Powers of Spiritual Abuse by Johnson and VanVonderen. I include in my writing many chunks and paraphrases of their Biblical explanations of how Spiritual leaders misuse their authority. Much of his project began from reading their book for my own healing sake, and writing out ways it applied to me. For general definitions and marking characteristics of spiritual abuse in various religious contexts, ICSA's spiritual abuse resources is a good place to begin… you may be surprised at just how obvious these issues become when we choose to shine light on them!
 
icsahome.com/spiritual-abuse-resources/definitions

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icsahome.com/spiritual-abuse-resources/articles/characteristics-associated-with-cultic-groups

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icsahome.com/spiritual-abuse-resources/articles/disciple-abuse

What Even is Fusion?

Fusion claims to be a program training young Christians to become missionaries to unreached people groups. Applying for the Fusion program starts online, and once accepted, a non-refundable deposit is required in order to hold your spot (even though there doesn’t seem to be any limit on the number of people Fusion wants to draw in). Many people take a tour of Spurgeon College and Midwestern Seminary, the partnering institutions. They may have a meet-up/ unofficial interview with the Fusion director. Most of this is only for the leadership to get your information, and what the prospective student gets to see is very surface-level. At this point, the student knows little about how the program works, only that it's the best training for aspiring Christian missionaries. They are already beginning to raise supporters in prayer and finances.

 

Just a couple months before school starts, students receive a packing list that includes many survival supplies. We often start asking questions at this point, but most go unanswered or are repeatedly responded to with the same vague reply. Some people began to wonder at this point, “Is this program even real!?” Another to-be Fusion student and I met while mentoring at the same Christian camp the summer prior, and were relieved to finally talk to someone face to face. We began sharing our general confusion about how the whole thing seems fake, and scam-like, yet everything we have ever looked for in a Chtistian community is what this program says they stand for! We couldn’t put our finger on it, but both knew that the whole experience was starting to feel really unsettling, and that every leader we talked to had been dodging our questions.

 

Ground School begins immediately the day students arrive on campus. Parents leave the  worship center, and not long after, the leaders start screaming very loudly at us to make a line against the wall. Some people instinctively start laughing, some start questioning, “What is even happening right now!?” All are silenced. We are told not to make eye contact with our leaders. Yes, Sir. Yes, Ma’am. The whole nine yards of “Jesus Boot Camp”. It was like some sort of Christian hazing ritual out of an offbeat horror movie.

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You have to ring a bell to signify that you’re “all in” for Jesus, yet have no explanation of what they think that means. Everyone just does it because after all, it’s just a bell, right!? Little did we know many of these things used to initiate us into the program would be held over our heads for the entirety of the year there. I remember thinking to myself, “This is laughable! Shouldn’t the leaders at a Baptist Seminary know that the display that I’m ‘all in’ for Jesus was symbolized in my baptism and the sealing of the Holy Spirit, not ringing a bell? But whatever, if this makes you all feel better about yourselves and this method you’ve invented, it doesn’t make a difference to me!”

 

We are taken out to the woods to start setting up tents, digging latrines, and building fires to cook our food. We never sleep through the night, but have shifts to guard the team flag- students typically begin hallucinating on their guard shifts by the end of week one. Our minds become weak due to the conditioning they implement through hard labor, rigorous environment, and lack of normal socialization. Over time things I once thought were “laughable” and inconsistent with scripture were seeming more plausible as intrusive thoughts would creep in, “Maybe this is really how Jesus said discipleship should be.”

 

Extreme shame is associated with failure. Anytime someone fails, the one who made the mistake has to watch while the rest of the team is put through their deserved punishment in the form of extreme workouts or loss of privileges.  Sometimes these punishments included psychotic tricks such as making us look in the eyes of our peers and smile and laugh at them while they were holding an exercise position. If we refused to do it, they would be punished even longer. This sort of behavior is paired with Bible teachings as if going through their training is the ‘secret sauce’, the ‘red pill’ we’ve been missing all along. Those who have a real sense of discontentment in their walk with Jesus actually fall for it! 

 

Many others wonder how to get ourselves out of this odd situation- but our car keys and phones have been taken, we have already begun paying tuition, and we are ashamed to disappoint God who paid our deserved punishment. There’s a sense that if you just get through those fifteen days of Ground School, you’ve passed the test and from there on out, it’d be different. I often thought of escaping through the back of the woods to a 24 hour McDonalds or gas station to use their phone and get myself out of there without needing to justify myself to people that seemed way off their rocker. But what would I do then? Call my mom and dad who despised that I gave up everything I had going for me to pursue missionary work? Try to get the number to call one of my pastors who strongly recommended this school? If no one will believe me anyway, I’d think, “I can do this for just ‘X’ more days”. Unfortunately, the longer I excused their behavior, the deeper I sank into denial. The little excuses for things that didn’t seem to be harming anyone but myself became bigger and bigger until I too was feeding the lie.

 

While these types of behaviors were most extreme during trainings, the same mindsets continued to harm people all throughout the program, only in much more discreet ways. Ground school acted as a type of initiation, forcing us to submit to the every demand of leaders. It was posed as an exercise in humility, but when humility is demanded, instead of modeled, that becomes a very skewed version of the gospel.

 

Before we knew it we were in the woods, tired, hungry, in pain, and without the willpower to question the ethics of what had just happened to us. And we knew that anyone who questioned was quickly and harshly silenced, and the whole group was often punished for their questioning, because after all, it would be selfish to not sacrifice something so insignificant as our comfort when people are dying without the gospel… 

 

The core of the issue is, we all signed up for the program because we sincerely wanted to do missions in places with great gospel need, so why were we treated as if we were the problem when all that was asked for is practical help being equipped for our calling? The only plausible answer is that for the entire Fusion process to work like it did, the leaders needed to establish dominance right from the start. Because of their extreme need to control outcomes, they quickly put us in place- keeping us in silent and fearful alignment with the unwritten rules. 

 

Ground School and Security Training were especially difficult trainings to endure. In reality, these events were not at all meant to ‘train’ but to test. The leaders’ fully expressed intention was that every person would fail the test so we would remember how much room for growth is left until they declare us to be a Biblical man or woman. This is the foundation of all that happens throughout the year. You are regularly reminded that you are a ‘candidate’ for biblical manhood or womanhood, and have not achieved it until you finish the process. Each of the more specific, interpersonal issues people face with their peers and mentors (who are called advocates and interns) all stem from what the program itself claims to be about.

 

What I’ve noticed in my own life while working in ministry is that as soon as we say, “look at us, we must be doing things the right way now, we’ve got the formula down pat,” we are often unknowingly flinging the doors of our hearts wide open to the schemes of the devil. The very moment we lose focus on the actual person of God as the thing sustaining our ministry, and reduce our marvelous Savior to nothing but a systematic approach to successful ministry, the devil has won! Tools, workshops, methods, and seminars can definitely be useful- but only if held with open hands and a constant willingness to adapt as needed. I think one of the biggest factors that keeps Fusion from being a successful program is how tightly it holds to the ‘method’.

 

“Certain persons, by swerving from these [love that issues from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith], have wandered away into vain discussion, desiring to be teachers of the law, without understanding either what they are saying or the things about which they make confident assertions.” (1 Timothy 1:6-7)

 

Paul warns Timothy of people who confidently assert their own way without any deeper understanding from their heart, conscience, or sincere faith. The Christian-formula approach puts people through events and experiences where they receive lists of ways they fall short, backed up by out of context proof-texts, then sends them home with a focus on self and the many ways they do not measure up. However, a clean conscience is not the result of right behavior. It is Jesus who washes our hearts and consciences clean. (Hebrews 10:19-22)

 

Many in Fusion boldly proclaim the true gospel of not being able to perform enough to earn grace- even the Creed excellently words these important truths! But whether consciously or not, eventually students learn that every section of the Creed, the Values, and the common coin-phrases Fusion leaders so passionately declare is actually a code for something else. This is something that tormented me for years. Though I sensed the spirit’s conviction from the very beginning, saying, “this is evil, it’s nonsense, it's not the loving way of Jesus,” I couldn’t fully understand or verbalize why I was feeling so distraught when everything central to the program seemed to be on-point scripturally.

 

  • The truth is that when they say, “I am called not to comfort or success” what they want us to believe is, “It’s okay that we deceived you into signing up for a miserable experience because you’re not entitled to a good one”. This is playing God. In our lives, God is allowed to give us times of blessing and times of hardship. But if a human enters into an agreement with his neighbors while withholding crucial information, it would be ridiculous for him to respond to them, “But, God actually told me it was okay to deceive you- just this time!” Fusion leaders acted as if they were to be the god over the students and decide for them what they really need.

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  • “Obedience” was not meant as seeking where the spirit of God was leading you, but rather adhering to the strict rules of the program. If you’re not following the Fusion way of obedience, you’re simply being disobedient to Jesus.

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  • “My life is to be defined not by what I do, but by who I am.” This phrase was often said as a reminder to those trying to protect themselves from the heavy burdens placed on them, therefore really meaning, “Stop saying that the requirements of Fusion are too hard! If you’re abiding in Jesus, you should naturally be able to live this way.” Uncoding this would look like someone who expressed, “I’m just having trouble with these new rules.” And the response they received from the person strictly enforcing the rules was, “You shouldn’t have to think about the rules so much.” The person might be relieved at first, but then only met with more confusion when the rules continue to be harshly defended.

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  • “I will proclaim His name without fear.” Witnessing in Fusion was often very direct, very bold, and brash. When someone rejected the message, the mindset of ‘shaking off the dust because it will be more tolerable for Sodom and Gomorrah’ was taken to an extreme. Though this is valuable instruction from Jesus, I often felt that the motive behind our mindset was not loving, and we were nothing but clanging cymbals. Another way of describing this, witnessing in Fusion was never supposed to be personal. We did it because Jesus says to, and we dare not disobey. If a candidate had any sense of godly grief over those who chose not to believe, it was seen as inappropriate. It was seen as a waste of their time and energy. No emotion was to be involved in proclaiming Jesus’ name.

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  • “Follow Him without regret” often alluded to those who had quit or considered quitting. The way these people were talked about was horrifying! Often scriptures like ‘no one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for serving in the kingdom’ were brought up, as if regretting joining Fusion was equivalent to abandoning faith in Jesus. What arrogance! Quitters were definitely viewed as second-class Christians. We were often reminded “You chose to be here”- which was true, but the ‘here’ we believed we were choosing was a complete lie.

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  • When leaders said that we must “Serve him without compromise” usually it was because we disagreed on some matter that was central enough to the vision of Fusion that we were labeled as the problem. We were causing a disturbance that would only compromise the cohesiveness of the group. There wasn’t supposed to be any degree of individuality. While in the program, your role is to go along with the system and follow the instructions of your leader- no if’s, and’s, or but’s about it! Having our own opinion was often all that was needed to be reminded we were never to compromise.

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  • “To obey is my objective, to suffer is expected, His glory is my reward.” Although what is said seems wonderful, it’s just not the reality of how the program worked. Obedience in the midst of suffering was a huge focus in Fusion, but unlike true persecution that glorifies Jesus, we never suffered because of the ways we were being obedient, we suffered at the hands of our Christian leaders because of any ways we were seen as substandard or directly disobedient to them.

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  • “To Christ alone be all power, all honor, and all glory, that the world may know” I don’t claim to know everyone’s true heart or intention for leading Fusion the way it has been led. I can only discern it to the best of my ability based on the evidence seen. If Christ is the power leading the program, why must the leaders deceive incoming students to get sign-ups?  If they truly thought Christ had the power to bring them the right people to participate, would they need to advertise Fusion as ‘the best missions program available’ and hide the cons that may indicate another program is the better fit for many individuals? If Christ is the one to receive honor and glory, why can’t we question the leaders on small disagreements without being viewed as a problem starter? Is God not big enough to handle our human issues? If leaders are unwilling to calmly look to scripture alongside us to re-evaluate, or at least explain the reasons for their approach, isn’t that an indicator that the leadership is seeking their own honor and glory?

 

I think this last phrase of The Creed in particular, is a huge cop-out used to avoid responsibility for what is taking place and instead claim, “It’s all for Jesus, and mistakes happen, but He is orchestrating all of this, not us!” I hope you hear me honestly saying that I want nothing more than for the unreached people of the world to know Jesus! I’ve had to sacrifice most of the things I once thought valuable in order to pursue that end. But, ends can't justify means if the means aren’t even preparing people for missions, only weeding out the type of people that question the faulty method. Fusion leaders have never denied that they bait and switch people, they only try to justify it by the end goal… reaching the nations. From what I’ve seen, the few glorified alumni who actually do go on to live as missionaries in unreached places aren’t sacrificing much except the dignity and wellbeing of their peers who didn’t make the cut.

Power Manipulation

Fusion leaders portray themselves as the most humble of us all. That becoming like them is attaining true, godly humility- not false humility based on wanting to look humble. (There are multiple layers of subtlety here as leaders will even talk about not wanting a false humility). However, for people who are so truly ‘humble’, they are threatened very easily by students who are strong in the Lord. I believe one of the main reasons my Fusion experience was such a drastic case is because I entered the program confident in my faith, and already having suffered for it. My faith had been tested early in life, and I learned many of the things fusion leaders made into extreme role-play lessons through ordinary circumstances. I had already learned to count the cost, and had been living like it for a while- but that was something I would only ever give God the credit for.

 

When I was about eight years old was when the Lord first started the work of calling me to missions among unreached peoples. I had been having nightmares of people burning in hellfire and would wake up screaming and crying. My mom would come in and say, “It’s not real, it’s all just a dream.” I would quickly snap back at her and say, “No, Mom! It is real!” The question that had been on my mind at the time was, “What happens to the people in the world who don’t ever get the chance to hear about Jesus?” I went to a Christian school and there were missionaries that would often visit and share their stories, so I was becoming aware of the gospel need in persecuted and hard to reach places even at this age. Not through eloquent words like I can use to explain it now looking back, or through a strong biblical stance on missions, but through God working mightily in the mind of a child, I began to develop a conviction about the lost- especially about those who we weren’t even telling about Jesus!

 

I remember one time during this season, I was out running errands with my mom and commented, “So, if all these people don’t know about Jesus, why don’t we just go up to them and start talking about Him?” My parents were pretty quick to tell me I needed to drop it, or even worse, respond, “Aww, how cute!” This only made me more confused by the adults who said they believed in Jesus, but were more scared than I was to just bring things up in conversation. I knew this wasn’t the cool thing to do. When I had switched over to public elementary school for a while, I knew how the kids teased after I walked away from an off-putting Jesus conversation. Still, I much preferred this to when Christians said the same things to my face.

 

Sure enough, God had me in His grasp and kept giving me the confidence I needed. As the dreams of people burning in fire continued, less and less often were they unbelievers in torment, but Christians burned at the stake. Before I knew it, the dreams of Christians suffering didn’t even bother me anymore because as they went to their deaths, they were rejoicing and praising God through singing and dancing as they were taken away to die. If telling people about Jesus led people to their death, but they could still rejoice because the flames would only last them a moment, that was good enough for me!

 

This is the gist of my reasons for seeking out a community like Fusion. Unfortunately, having such a confident and joyful stance in the thing that Fusion seemed to be all about didn’t help me all that much. I had just come out of a season where I was sharing the gospel a lot in my senior year of high school, and was beginning to see a few salvations come of it! I felt that I needed to be back at a Christian school again for college to be built up by like-minded people in order to keep being fruitful. Being an outspoken Christian at a public school is awesome but doesn’t offer much encouragement from peers. That summer, when interning with the Missouri Baptist Convention, I began meeting Fusion grads and mentioning how excited I was to find a group like this. They would start laughing and right in front of me saying things like, “Oh, she’s gonna get destroyed so bad!” Then they’d just walk away, or completely ignore me. It was the strangest occurrence!

 

I realized once I got to the program that the whole point was to break down everything about you, good or bad, so they can then rebuild you from ground zero. People would frequently use language like, “we need to break you/ destroy you” to explain this. They love having the title of authority and being the sole person in charge of refining you. There wasn’t much room for someone who was already proclaiming Jesus no matter the cost to just jump on board and partner with them for God’s honor. And there wasn’t much mutual encouragement that crossed their ranks of leadership. The honor of building a missional heart inside me had to be theirs. You may think: well, that’s a little harsh- surely that’s not really their intention.

 

It probably wasn’t intentional most of the time. In fact, I think it’s a rare occurrence within Fusion when someone is operating with an awareness of their intentions at all. Manipulation involves powerful unspoken rules. It is as if there is a can’t-talk rule that keeps people from saying out loud what is really happening. The can’t-talk rule leads to talking in code, either by using code words or body language that conveys messages to those in the system. These rules can also lead to “triangulation”, which is when person A talks to person B about person C; often this is done to put pressure on person C in some way. This experience with the Fusion alumni laughing at me then walking off was only the first of many instances when I (as person C) was talked about by A and B as if I wasn’t present (even though I very much was!) so as to show me that I needed to be better at complying with the group-mindset.

 

Common unspoken rules that many people struggle with in shame-based systems:

  • “If I am spiritual enough, things won’t affect me emotionally”

  • “I can never say no to those in religious authority”

  • “Everyone in ministry must be trusted”

  • “God needs me to do ministry”

  • “The existence of trouble in my life indicates a lack of faith”

  • “Talking about problems will make God ‘look bad’’’

  • “Unity means agreeing about everything”       (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 4)

 

Those of us who have been in top-down authority structures in our spiritual environment become very familiar with Hebrews 13:17 and Romans 13:1-2. We know what it is like to assume that we need to submit and obey even when it does not make sense. There is a difference between authority that is grasped and authority that arises from speaking words that are wise, discerning, and true. Jesus confronted the false spiritual authority of his day by saying that the Pharisees had “seated themselves in the chair of Moses” (Matthew 23:1).

 

The Greek word for chair was cathedra, leading to the term “ex-cathedra”: when someone speaks from a place of authority. When a leader declares “because I’m the pastor, that’s why” or warns “touch not the Lord’s anointed” he is speaking ex-cathedra, from the chair of authority. The Pharisees did this. They ruled ex-cathedra, believing their words were authoritative simply because they had uttered them. This was authority that was grasped, not given. (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 9)

 

Candidates were strongly encouraged to “follow your leaders, as they follow Christ” (1 Cor. 11:1). The structure was that candidates and interns followed advocates, and advocates followed directors. We knew they had at least weekly meetings discussing our growth and their discipleship methods. We were simply supposed to believe that our advocates were being taught well by the directors, and the directors had been taught well by the former director and founder (who was fired inexplicably). Yet, if the directors said so, that was why! Starting in Ground School, we had to memorize how the original founder had been given inspiration for the program, and how through years of struggles and changes, his model still succeeded. Thinking about the people who had gone through Fusion successfully ahead of us was supposed to instill a level of fear in us- they were the pros! Their memory was only to be mentioned with highest respect.

 

Consider a few examples of people with true spiritual authority in Scripture. Moses was recognized, not only in his own time, but also by both Jesus and the Pharisees, as one with spiritual authority. Where did his authority come from? Was it intrinsic to him as a person or simply because his name was Moses? Moses’ authority stemmed from the fact that he spoke as God directed him. He had to speak the truth to speak with authority.

 

Timothy was a young pastor, mentored by Paul. What advice did Paul write to his protege? He did not say, “they can smell fear, better let them know who is in charge” or “be bold: tell them you are the pastor, that’s why!” Instead, he told Timothy to spend time and effort learning to handle the Word of Truth well:

 

“Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth” (2 Timothy 2:15).

 

Timothy would be authoritative as he applied the inspired, authoritative Word of God. If he were to deviate from the Word of Truth, he would cease to speak with authority. Continue this thought through to Paul himself. Paul spoke as an apostle of Jesus Christ, one who had a rare position of authority in the Church. I like the way that The Message translates what Paul wrote to the Galatians:

 

“Let me be blunt: If one of us—even if an angel from heaven!—were to preach something other than what we preached originally, let him be cursed. I said it once; I’ll say it again: If anyone, regardless of reputation or credentials, preaches something other than what you received originally, let him be cursed” (Galatians 1:8).

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Moses, Timothy, and Paul: they spoke with authority because they spoke in accordance with God’s truth. When Jesus spoke, the people responded to his authority. They recognized that he had authority, in direct contrast to the Scribes and Pharisees, who grasped after authority and sat themselves in the seat of Moses. This is the contrast of true spiritual authority to power-posturing. It is a maddening attitude in the kingdom of Jesus when someone thinks they speak with authority simply because they hold an office or a title. (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 9)

 

In my mind, the two problems with the Fusion hierarchy are: who’s pouring into the leaders at the top, and who are the candidates on the bottom pouring out into? When I was in Fusion, I was constantly telling my leader how I felt stagnant, more ‘stuck’ in my faith than ever before. Since the time I started following Jesus, I had never felt quite like this. I would explain that before coming into the program, I had very natural friendships with people I witnessed to. In Fusion, we went out for evangelism very often- in fact it was mandated- but I began realizing that my genuine outpouring of Christ-likeness (in both words and actions) was running closer and closer to empty. I can now see this was because the people we witnessed to were simply our outlets of obedience to the program- we weren’t supposed to have genuine feelings about them at all! When I did, my feelings were quickly squashed. After all, they were ‘outside the program’. They surely wouldn’t be able to understand our personal lives and feelings, so those relationships were best kept surface-level.

 

The way multiple leaders responded to concerns I raised about my slowing spiritual growth was what opened my eyes to the fact that the leaders at the very top of Fusion had the opposite problem- they were quite literally pouring everything they had into this program with no one to pour into them. Now, I think they probably did have some people outside of Fusion they kept in touch with, but no one on the inside was above their level of authority. No one had the permission to look into their ‘Fusion life’ to examine them, offer guidance, or bluntly tell them their sins the way they so freely did to us. This in and of itself is a massive red flag, because even leaders describe that the way Fusion operates is like a bubble. There was a huge divide between Fusion life and non-Fusion life. In an isolated situation with an underlying belief that we are the only “real Christians”, it becomes clear how we were only being used for the system to continue.

 

In the Wizard of Oz, even when the curtain is pulled back and he is exposed, he roars the famous line, “Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!” The Wizard is a power abuser who has ruled with postured power. When Dorothy and company point out this problem, he makes them the problem. Eventually, Dorothy and her friends realize that they already have what they were after all along. And so today with spiritual leaders who rule over people with postured power, and who make you the problem when you notice the problem: those laboring underneath them are laboring for something they already have — God’s approval is already theirs based on the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 9)

 

We were being sold what we already had! Because we believed we could only really understand advocate-level spirituality by continuing to follow our advocates, we fell for the trick, disregarding our better judgment. We were always told to “Just keep going. If you’re tired, it’s okay, just make sure you don’t come to a stop or else you won’t have the motivation to start again.” Everyone in Fusion is kept so busy that there’s not a lot of time to stop and think- and leaders would openly say that this was the goal. The idea they expressed was that we’re just so sinful that if we don’t have enough good things to focus on doing, we’ll fall back into sin. I think the ‘real’ reason was that if anyone let go of the fear that says, ‘what if I can’t meet the standard?’ and just paused for a minute to look around, the faults in the system could be clearly seen.

 

The hierarchy of authority has obvious cracks showing that what’s inside is nothing but a man speaking from a chair. And even when we tried to pull back the curtain and exclaim, “But look, you are only maintaining the appearance of Christ-likeness!” the frequent response was to not look at the man behind the curtain, saying, “Even leaders can’t do it all right.” These spiritual dynamics are the basis for all the deception that goes on, but to show these fallacies more specifically, let's address the specific lies/ truth-twisting leaders use to get more ‘little followers’ under them so they can feel bigger. There are obvious changes to the story told from when you’re being recruited for Fusion v.s. after Ground School when you’re needing some questions answered. Here are examples:

 

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Phrases used on those struggling

POST-INITIATION

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“If you can’t handle this, it’s probably just because missions isn’t for you! Good thing we caught it before you planned your life around it.”

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“Why would you come into this with so many expectations? If you’re trusting God, He will grow you no matter the circumstances."

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“It’s not about the experience, it’s about the result. Growth isn’t supposed to be enjoyable.”

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“It’s not about the fruit, it’s about being obedient to plant the seed. Sometimes the fruit doesn’t ever show until the next person harvests.”

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“Fusion doesn’t have the power to create anything in you that wasn’t already there. If you’ve begun to see a hardened heart towards God, it already was hidden inside you.”

Phrases used in

RECRUITING

 

“Fusion isn’t just for missionaries, it’s about making all Christian boys and girls into Biblical men and women.”

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“This will be a program where you can expect rapid growth in your faith.”

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“The team experience is what is most enjoyable for people as they bond and grow together.”

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“For many, Fusion is the most fruitful time ever experienced in their life.”

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“Fusion will create changed hearts and build students’ character as they go through the program, then continue into their everyday lives”

If you go to the Fusion website right now, you will notice many of these ambitious claims and success stories. We all love to hear success stories! But it’s just as important to recognize how many people the system is failing. I remember when I was applying, I was pretty amazed by their high claims and would ask, “Wow! So how many of the people who go through Fusion leave for the mission field long-term soon afterwards?” I wasn’t necessarily asking in disbelief, but in amazement that they made it sound like every Fusion member was going, and staying on the mission field (which I knew was rare). I never exactly got a clear answer to that, but a general, “Well, a lot.”

 

I don’t have stats for you on how many people in my Fusion class are successes for the mission field, I had to escape from the toxicity pretty quickly when I left. Many I've been in touch with still are people who feel that if they received the type of training they were actually seeking, they would be compassionate, fruitful missionaries, but got burned badly and are still recovering from trauma all these years later. Many still have trouble in church settings altogether, and couldn’t even think of facing the triggers that would be present in another missions program. Even when knowing in the mind what is true, overcoming traumatic experiences can be lifelong.

 

The number of people who have this type of story is also a large count, and it seems that fewer and fewer people occupy the middle ground. From my class, one fourth of all the students quit throughout the year. In years since, one third of the students have left. And even fewer students actually come back the next year to be interns or advocates. Those who don’t become leaders aren’t really “in” on things anymore, and often end up causing confusion for the next incoming class because they like to mess with new students by telling them bits and pieces of things the leaders are trying to keep secret, only to scare them or cause a stir.

 

Numbers aside of how many people succeed v.s. fail “the process”, the point is that the process in and of itself is obviously not doing the things it claims to. We lived by being taught a “bunker mentality” which kept us separate from other forms of education and opportunity. Some people can get tired of this and leave quickly, but many of us will never have the opportunities for careers or education we would have otherwise had, all while our former peers look down on us as having “missed God’s call.”

 

It is a disgrace to promise people the benefits of a college degree and a godly discipleship program but actually give them an education that only benefits those who comply with a specific group’s mentality, all while charging them as if it were an accredited education. I don’t think feeling “robbed” is too strong a word for this. Living in a bubble or bunker as if you’re hiding from the rest of the world is never the healthy ideal, even in a sinful world. Sin is inside of us too- there’s nowhere we can go to hide from it. The goal of discipling believers is to learn how to operate in the world while honoring God. 

(Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 9)

 

One of the most ironic things about the whole situation is that I actually paid for this to happen to me! I gave up several full-ride scholarships to other Christian schools to come to Kansas City and do Fusion at Spurgeon College. I was a 4.2 student from a family that wasn’t going to be able to put me through school, but I chose the most expensive school that offered me no academic based scholarships. I would’ve been better prepared for life on or off the mission field having an actual skill or useful degree to show for my time in college instead of just having an experience someone else thought I needed. All I actually got out of it was severe PTSD leading to other mental and physical illnesses, student loan debt, and the loss of opportunity to continue school at Spurgeon or other universities.

 

The Fusion leaders and the administrators at Spurgeon College who decide ahead of time that it’s okay to draw people into this type of trick are thereby claiming that their authority is absolute. “Pulling rank” and forcing authority only reveals one’s own insecurity. They definitely put much time into leading us, but their leadership only exalted themselves. Instead of helping the person in need, spiritually abusive leaders use that person to meet their own needs, perhaps out of a need for affirmation or for support of his/her authority. Many Fusion leaders had been candidates themselves who went through this same unfair experience, and felt that now they were in a leadership position, they were justified in continuing the same pattern of producing ‘authoritative’ leaders. For the cycle to end, the leaders as well as the students will need to go through a healing process. (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 3)

 

Jesus pointed out that the spiritual leaders of His day loved the seats of honor at important banquets and social events. Sometimes leaders are a little more subtle: they pretend not to be taking such honors — but watch out if someone else steps in to receive the honor!  Jealousy will ensue. This does not mean that the place of honor is never right. There are times when it is right for us to honor others, and we should do so. An important truth is that honor is something to be given, not taken. Titles and terms of respect can become very important to leaders who are insecure (and this is not limited to spiritual leaders). When it comes to spiritual leaders, if someone seems to need a title of respect, this may well be a symptom of being a false leader.

 

False shepherds require the recognition of people, calling it respect. In doing so, they point to themselves as the primary source of knowledge, direction, and life. In Fusion, a lot of power rests on people’s titles, “Director, Advocate, Intern, Candidate”. If they stopped using titles for everyone’s position, would Fusion still be able to operate like it does? Would the leaders have any power to diminish our views beneath their own if they weren’t given a title?

 

Another common mark of false shepherds is that they wear their spirituality on the outside. You rarely go about Fusion life without a uniform- distinct ones from those of the leaders. Would Fusion still be Fusion if we dressed as ourselves? Would leaders be able to assert their authority like they do if everyone was dressed the same? If there weren’t the different colors for Directors, Advocates, Interns, and Candidates?

 

False shepherds lack integrity, so their spirituality is a put-on performance, an image they project. The main position of Ground School is a perfect military formation where we must look straight forward at the head of the person in front of us, while leaders surround the group to stare us down and search for any flaws. Would they be able to do the same things if everyone was casually sitting in a circle? 

 

They wouldn’t be able to pull it off without these things, because their power is in nothing more than these. The titles, traditions, and outward badges of respect are what create the image. Take them away, and all that’s left is normal people. But isn’t that all God really needs? Willing human hearts, with no special appearance or name, ready to do what He asks? He works with ordinary groups of people coming together naturally around the God they keep at the center, and raises up shepherds who set an example, yet without lording it over the rest of the flock.

Spiritual Abuse

Spiritual abuse isn’t something new. It’s relevant to the Biblical authors, as well as to us today. The Pharisees in Jesus’ day taught the Scripture accurately, yet didn’t have changed hearts. They used God’s laws (and new applications of the law which they made up on their own) to harm people earnestly seeking God. Fusion does this too. Though what they say about the gospel is correct, they’ve invented a new way of following Jesus.

 

Many who succeed through the Fusion program and never seem to have issues with it are the ones who never ask for help, and never question anything. They are compliant and obedient all the way through. In following years, they become leaders and restart the process. The most genuine people who have gone through Fusion are the ones who simply asked questions and sought to better understand why this type of approach was necessary. My experience was this way. I would ask, “why?” but never got a clear answer. Instead, I was viewed as immature, childish, and unable to succeed on the mission field if I just couldn't ‘get it’. A person who experiences spiritual abuse often begins by asking for dialog or some form of support and is left instead with a weight of guilt or condemnation and feeling less worthy as a person.

 

For a student to become a good Fusion candidate they must have trackable growth in their walk with Jesus, as monitored by their advocate. This became a problem for me because if I didn’t have something to confess and repent of weekly, I was prideful and unaware of my sin. If I was still confessing the same struggle for weeks, I was sinful because I wasn’t trusting Jesus enough to conquer that habit.

 

It seemed as if there were sins that were okay to struggle with, and sins that weren’t, and little genuine concern for the individual struggling with them. The sins that were deemed ‘not acceptable’ in Fusion weren’t even true sins but just the frustration, anger, and emotional instability that we desperately tried to get help with. As soon as we would mention that we only began struggling with these things after we came to Fusion, we became the problem.

 

Just like how a person’s individual failures in trainings brought punishment on the rest of the group, not meeting requirements or continually getting into the same frustrations with your advocate in day to day life was addressed with a similar mindset, “You’re letting the whole team down. If we were overseas doing mission work, you would be wasting valuable evangelism time.” That was a common guilt trip used on me, and if you really think about it, the worst one imaginable. Somehow my emotional struggles, questions, and anger about what kept being left unanswered put me at fault for unreached people not hearing the gospel! That’s a heavy weight to bear.

 

Preoccupation with spiritual performance leads to the extremes of self-righteousness and shame. Leaders who are overly focused on their own behavior can become perfectionistic with themselves and judgmental of others. It was burdensome to maintain the appearance of godliness, and glorify the idol of the way Fusion needed to be seen by outsiders. But, God deserved our everything- anything less and we would be in major trouble.  We had a fear of the leaders calling us out in sin, yet because of Fusion’s strong focus on growth and accountability, you have to maintain the appearance that you’re okay with your sin being called out, and respond just right to people when they do call you out (whether the thing they are addressing is legitimate or not). This false god of appearances is not the God of the Bible, and does not deserve our loyalty, secret-keeping, or message carrying. We do not have a distant god whose mood depends on observing our behaviors from a distance.

 

Obedience to God is non-negotiable but God looks at the heart. A heart that is dependent on God alone won't need to keep track of behavior as if for ‘spiritual points’. This mindset is not rooted in fear of God, but in fear of what the leaders would do if we did not obey. “We must obey God rather than men” (Acts 5:29). I remember while my advocate was watching, making sure I displayed specific behaviors that she had been getting on me repeatedly to work on improving. I was traumatized! I was physically dependent on my leader for security in the program. Any upset in this relationship would affect my schooling situation, my housing, as well as the relationship I had with my church and family back home who trusted that I was still doing well and fundraising for something godly.

 

In our weekly Bible studies, leaders made us cite the Bible verse every time we were sharing what we thought about a passage. Even if I was talking accurately about the Bible, it was inappropriate to bring up something that we were reminded of related to our daily life, something we thought the Spirit was teaching us through the passage, or a different verse that came to mind. We were strictly to talk about what was happening in the passage we were studying. Any tangent was rudely wasting everyone else’s time. The first time she called me out on this, I couldn’t believe it! I didn’t understand how we could hold such a rigid view of God that we can’t relate His teachings to our own lives.

 

Extreme objectivism is an empirical approach which puts God in a box, limiting Him to act only in ways we can explain, prove, or experience. In Fusion, intellectual ability and level of education is prized over the leaders’ relationship to the Lord. Acts 4:13 says that the religious leaders marveled at the confidence of the untrained fishermen, James and John, and took note that they had been with Jesus. Their confidence stemmed from their relationship with Jesus and having been filled with the Holy Spirit. (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 5)

 

Fusion's focus was always on finding the ‘right’ way to do things- which can be a noble search- but there was little recognition that even within the Bible, God has different people accomplish the same thing in different ways and that’s not a contradiction! It's room for the wonderful person of the Spirit who guides each of us.

 

Paul warned the younger pastor Titus about teachers who are “rebellious men, empty talkers and deceivers.” Paul said these teachers ought to be silenced. Instead of using the Word as a sword to pierce through to the thoughts and motives of their own hearts, many spiritual leaders have used it as a stick to drive others, for a variety of reasons: to keep others from holding them accountable; to protect their image; to uphold a doctrine they have based a whole ministry upon; to keep funds coming; to build religious kingdoms in order to bolster their own spiritual self-esteem.

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They profess to know God, but they deny him by their works. They are detestable, disobedient, unfit for any good work. (Titus 1:16)

 

You might say the stage is set for a spiritually abusive environment by mindset, motives, and method. The mindset is an approach to Scripture as a book of techniques. The focus is on earning, achieving, and doing rather than inner transformation. The focus on behavior leads to rewarding those who do more of it and ignoring those who are hurting. The motive of the leaders is not to feed the flock of God but rather to pressure people to live up to an image of God as he is re-created in the image of the leaders. Finally, the method is to use “proof-texting”. Proof-texting is when you start with a point you want to prove and then cherry-pick verses to support the point, regardless of the context and original meaning of those verses. (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 7)

 

It seems that Fusion leaders are prepared ahead of time with a verse or scriptural example for every single argument raised against the program. They make it incredibly difficult to stand your ground theologically, and many shrug off the claims of frustrated students with comments such as “they just had a bad experience” or “it wasn’t the right fit”. The problem for me was that I deeply believed that if anyone was the “right fit” for a program like this, it was me! I had an insatiable hunger and thirst to serve God among unreached peoples since I was a small child. I had sacrificed much to see God’s gospel preached to the lost before even hearing of Fusion, and despite my hurts in the program, planned to continue sacrificing much to make Christ known where He had not yet been named! 

 

I consistently asked God to evaluate my heart towards Fusion and take away any hint of arrogance I had against the leaders. Yet, even when I knew I had a clear conscience and was speaking from love and curiosity, my questioning was not welcome. I knew simply because of my heart posture that neither me nor my experience was the problem here. No matter what anyone else said about me, I wanted more than anything to figure out how to agree on things with my leaders, or at least come to an understanding so that the mission work wouldn’t suffer. Until finding good resources, and working through every single argument used against me, I couldn’t effectively explain to anyone the reasons why everything seemed to be pitted against me, and I wasn't believed.

 

In abusive systems, truth-in-love becomes the enemy while the “can’t-talk rule” reigns. Power-posturing people are instinctively threatened by the straightforward truth.  They must always manage appearances and control what people say. This often means sweeping both abusers and victims under the rug in an effort to manage appearances. This is so different from the image of a body that is being built up in truth and love, such as what is presented in Ephesians 4. The Christian life begins with freedom from dead works, from religious systems and from all human attempts to ‘please God.’ It’s time for many of us to shake off the religious systems and expectations we’ve created, and return to that joyful freedom in Christ. (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 1)


A mindset that shows up in many forms of spiritual abuse is a view of God’s Law that it is 1) a way to attain a right relationship with God, or 2) a way to live victoriously or to receive blessing. But we are not justified by works of the Law but through faith in Christ Jesus (Gal 2:16). “Right relationship with God is a settled gift because of what God did through Christ. You can’t earn it. You can only have it for free” If the Law neither saves us nor gives an extra blessing, what is its purpose? The authors offer three reasons: 1) to reveal that we have sinned, 2) to convince us that our own efforts will never solve the problem, and 3) to bring us into a grace-full relationship with God based on God’s work of grace through Christ. Paul compared the Law to the tutors of his day who would drive kids to school with a stick. When the faith relationship with Christ begins, the stick-wielding tutor is out of a job. (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 7)

 

Before this faith came, we were held in custody under the law, locked up until faith should be revealed. So the law became our guardian to lead us to Christ, that we might be justified by faith. Now that faith has come, we are no longer under a guardian. (Gal. 3:23-25)

 

It is a mistake when spiritual leaders try to drive people to try harder to produce fruit. Trying harder is not what Christ died for. He died to give us rest. Trying harder may be evidence of a leader trying to bring you back under the Law, the very thing from which Christ died to set you free.  Fusion leaders never dared claim that salvation is through the law. Written into the very core of Fusion was the conviction that our works don’t define us, but even this was actually part of the trap. As soon as candidates raised concerns that the burden of works was too harsh, leaders could immediately fall back on The Creed, responding, “How could you even think that!? The message we’re preaching is that our works can’t ever please God!” The problem was never in the message itself, but in the actions stemming out of their message that show how it’s rooted in hypocrisy and an evil heart.

 

“Either make the tree good and its fruit will be good, or make the tree bad and its fruit will be bad; for a tree is known by its fruit. Brood of vipers! How can you speak good things when you are evil? For the mouth speaks from the overflow of the heart. A good person produces good things from his storeroom of good, and an evil person produces evil things from his storeroom of evil. I tell you that on the day of judgment people will have to account for every careless word they speak. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned.” (Matt. 12: 33-37)

 

Fusion condemns itself by its own words. While I dont think anyone would claim that works are a way to attain a right relationship with God, there is a sense of a higher level of obedience that can only be attained through living out the Great Commission ‘the Fusion way’. Many take this even further and say that, “since Fusion is truly living according to the Great Commission, and people outside the program rarely understand, it shows that most people in modern church settings aren’t Christians at all.” I know of several examples from people who quit, and their Fusion leader commented during the school supervised exit meeting that, “maybe you only thought you were a Christian.”

 

They use these twisted justifications to drive candidates harder and harder to produce fruit, not realizing that good fruit cannot come from a bad tree. The law that once acted as our tutor and guide is now out of a job due to the Spirit inside us! Many push back at this by quoting verses like Matt. 5:17-18 that the law will not pass away until all is fulfilled. But the mindset of holding onto the law (even the command of the Great Commission or new commandments from Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount) as our guide instead of the Spirit, is neglecting what Paul explains in Romans. The way this law is fulfilled in us now is only by walking freely in the Spirit.

 

“For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.” (Rom. 8:2-4)

 

Cult Behavior

I’m including this extra section that references an article from spiritualabuseresources.com by Michael Langone PhD. While Fusion members frequently joke that it’s a cult, to many of us, these insincere but oh-so-true remarks don't come across as funny at all. They are playfully brushing over the worst parts of our Fusion experience. I want to make sure the full extent of the problem we’ve needed healing from is realized. While I’m not sure how much it matters to use the label of “cult” v.s. “spiritual abuse”, every single one of the following traits listed by a psychologist specializing in cultic groups are present in the Fusion program. Going through this list one by one offered me new eyes to practically examine what I’d been through and define it specifically.

 

“Concerted efforts at influence and control lie at the core of cultic groups, programs, and relationships. Many members, former members, and supporters of cults are not fully aware of the extent to which members may have been manipulated, exploited, even abused. The following list of social-structural, social-psychological, and interpersonal behavioral patterns commonly found in cultic environments may be helpful in assessing a particular group or relationship.

 

Compare these patterns to the situation you were in (or in which you, a family member, or friend is currently involved). This list may help you determine whether there is cause for concern. Bear in mind that this list is not meant to be a “cult scale” or a definitive checklist to determine whether a specific group is a cult. This is not so much a diagnostic instrument as it is an analytical tool.”

 

  • The group displays excessively zealous and unquestioning commitment to its leader and regards his belief system, ideology, and practices as the Truth, as law.

  • Questioning, doubt, and dissent are discouraged or even punished.

  • Mind-altering practices (such chanting, and debilitating work routines) are used in excess and serve to suppress doubts about the group and its leader(s).

  • The leadership dictates, sometimes in great detail, how members should think, act, and feel (for example, members must get permission to date, change jobs—or leaders prescribe what types of clothes to wear, where to live, and so forth).

  • The group is elitist, claiming a special, exalted status for itself, its leader(s), and its members (for example, the group and/or the leader is on a special mission to save humanity).

  • The group has a polarized us-versus-them mentality, which may cause conflict with the wider society.

  • The leader is not accountable to any authorities (unlike, for example, teachers, military commanders or ministers, and mainstream religious denominations).

  • The group teaches or implies that its supposedly exalted ends justify whatever means it deems necessary. This may result in members’ participating in behaviors or activities they would have considered reprehensible or unethical before they joined the group (for example, lying to family or friends).

  • The leadership induces feelings of shame and/or guilt in order to influence and/or control members. Often, this is done through peer pressure and subtle forms of persuasion.

  • Subservience to the leader or group requires members to cut ties with family and friends, and to radically alter the personal goals and activities they had before they joined the group.

  • The group is preoccupied with bringing in new members.

  • Members are expected to devote inordinate amounts of time to the group and group-related activities.

  • Members are encouraged or required to live and/or socialize only with other group members.

  • The most loyal members (the “true believers”) feel there can be no life outside the context of the group. They believe there is no other way to be and often fear reprisals to themselves or others if they leave (or even consider leaving) the group.

 

https://www.spiritualabuseresources.com/articles/characteristics-associated-with-cultic-groups

Verbal Abuse

It doesn’t take long in Fusion to figure out that leaders use their words very cleverly. It seems they know just how far they can go before getting in trouble. I hope to show how those in control of the program are protecting themselves through verbally abusive behavior. Whether it’s the lying, secrecy, name-calling, yelling, gas-lighting, or the people-pleasing as soon as they’re caught, those who’ve been hurt by Fusion are victims of these types of verbal abuse. When it comes to enrollment and the level of communication allowed between Fusion students and outsiders, Fusion leaders have a high level of paranoia. They make sure any information we are sharing with non-Fusion is presented in just the right light, so as to not reveal the wrong secrets. When it comes to training-mode and the expectations we are held to throughout the school year, the leaders aggressively scream reprimands, negatively label students’ identity, and publicly shame them for failures in front of their peers. When confronted for wrongdoing, leaders don’t take responsibility but instead deny the occurrence, dodge the question, or use double-talk to add more confusion. They get away with this because it’s not long before students get worn out from trying to hold their leaders accountable and either give up or give in.

 

Paranoia creates an us/them bunker mentality where 1) insiders are more enlightened than outsiders; 2) outsiders will not understand unless they become one of us; and 3) outsiders will respond negatively. This bunker mentality gives the leaders a convenient way to avoid scrutiny because any questions of accountability are perceived as attacks from the outside. Interesting that Scripture warns of wolves “inside the house” (Matthew 10:16, Acts 20:29-30, Jude 1:6). (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 6)

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The way Fusion members talked about outsiders was horribly disrespectful. This especially was the case with the non-Fusion students at Midwestern, and non-missions focused people at our local and home churches. Looking back, I’m disgusted at how much I used to go along with this. It was suggested that the other seminary students were legalistic, only seeking head knowledge, and not really living to please God. We fell for the lie that no one else understood what we were doing among different cultural groups because they weren’t deeply in love with Jesus. The need to regularly remind ourselves that “we're the ones really doing the work that pleases God” showed more about what was inside the heart of Fusion than what was outside.

 

When I would speak with other young people about Fusion, I would often adopt all the common slogans that make it sound heavenly, “It’s a place where you grow in your faith unlike ever before! It’s nothing like what you experience in your usual church environments because everyone here is all-in for Jesus! I thought I understood faith before I joined, but now I see things more clearly than I ever have!” It felt impossible, unthinkable even, to say, “We learn a lot of hands-on skills and important cultural practices, which is very unique! And people are certainly passionate about everything we do differently from other churches and mission groups, but the leadership is not compassionate, and follows a rigid top-down structure, making it hard to disagree even if we wanted to.”

 

The need to hide something is a flag that the leaders know it's inappropriate. This secrecy is an inevitable consequence of performance standards in abusive systems. When people become image-conscious, they hide things due to the mistaken belief that they need to protect “God’s image.” Leaders develop a secretive attitude with a condescension toward non-members that they can’t handle the truth and ought to be protected from it.  (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 6)

 

In Fusion, we were encouraged not to tell family, friends, or other students at Spurgeon too many details about what Fusion was like. After all, they can’t really ‘get it’ until they join it themselves. We were supposed to tell people vaguely how amazing it was, and how much God has been growing us more than ever before, yet without the actual facts of how the leaders were controlling all our behavior. Leaders openly explain that this type of secrecy is needed because until they go through the ground school process of being ‘wrecked’ or ‘broken down’ they’ll only respond negatively if they know it all. They would reiterate, “Think about it… if it was you, do you still think you would have joined if we told you everything upfront?” I can’t count how many people I’ve heard use this line. Of course I wouldn’t have joined! Looking back now, it’s comical and truly astounding that this argument ever worked.

 

Abusive leaders may make it seem that questioning them is equal to questioning God. Some ministries require signed statements of loyalty. This reinforces the walls that hold people inside. (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 6) I think Fusion’s signed statement acknowledging that we’re agreeing to everything the leaders are about to do is ridiculous considering they don’t give it to us until we’ve already paid deposits and arrived on campus! And it still didn’t thoroughly explain what was going to happen. I remember being very skeptical to sign it, but I had already moved in, so how could I change my mind? Throughout the year, it was constantly thrown back in our faces that we agreed to everything upfront (even though we had no clue what we were agreeing to). But yes, we did sign a confusing piece of paper, because it was too late not to. I began feeling skeptical of things that seemed secretive the summer before I came. When I had a meeting with the leaders to discuss it, they blatantly ignored my questions or slyly changed the subject of conversation.

 

It’s very well known that what happens in Fusion is only supposed to be talked about within Fusion. I couldn’t list all the strange secrets we kept from people on the outside if I tried. In 2020, when we slaughtered a goat, chickens, and bunnies off campus, we were told that no one at the school should hear about it (some had mentioned that the school didn't want us doing the slaughter day anymore). This past ground school, Fall 2023, someone forwarded me the text saying where guard duty (stealing the flags) would happen. With the info, the director gave a warning to not tell candidates anything about what's coming up in trainings- these were often seen as the most important secrets.

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The leaders say that the secrecy is needed because mission work is about being flexible, and rolling with anything. I would argue that the ability to have this type of flexibility on the mission field only comes from relationships built in trust and solid communication. I have seen firsthand just how harmful this view is in real scenarios where mission partners can’t communicate and expect extreme flexibility based in blind trust. Fusion is done secretly- in separate classrooms, or way out in the woods- simply because they desire to hide as much of it as possible from outside viewers. There is never any real advantage to secrecy, only room for the devil to corrupt what is kept hidden.

 

“Smooth lips with an evil heart are like glaze on an earthen vessel. A hateful person disguises himself with his speech and harbors deceit within. When he speaks graciously, don’t believe him, for there are seven detestable things in his heart. Though his hatred is concealed by deception, his evil will be revealed in the assembly. The one who digs a pit will fall into it, and whoever rolls a stone— it will come back on him. A lying tongue hates those it crushes, and a flattering mouth causes ruin.” (Proverbs 26:23-28)

 

The Lord takes manipulative speech very seriously. While much of what I’ve already explained has to do with the false promises and lies used to trap and destroy, in training mode and when holding us to impossible standards, leaders were verbally abusive in a much more straightforward way. Endless berating, screaming in our faces while demanding that we not look away, name-calling, and identity shaming were just part of a typical training day, but not too uncommon on a class day either. From not excelling in language, to not being able to conquer your sin or emotions well enough, to not being physically fit enough, there were many things the leaders would say negatively about you in front of your peers. Out-loud Shaming results in a negative view of self and in turn, shaming others.

 

Many negative names were used to describe candidates. The most common are ‘worthless’, ‘nothing’, or other value-diminishing titles. There were also names tied to low intelligence or performance ‘stupid’, ‘lazy’, ‘ignorant’, ‘careless’. I was called a ‘pig’ during ground school because a single speck of dust was found in my room… oh what filth! During security training, I was called a ‘whore’ and ‘slut’ on several occasions… God forbid I take off my thick coat in 70 degree weather and only have a sleeveless shirt underneath! While some people just shrug these things off and find them comical, some like myself later developed serious mental health conditions and replayed these scenes over and over in their minds. Some of the demeaning terms were less bizarre or offensive, yet landed closer to home. One example of this is the frequent and harmful jokes about the things that you’re not good at, or that are not suited to your personality. When it came down to it, we were using the mirage of our missions teams being the closest, truest friends to excuse treating each other extremely rudely. There came a point where it just wasn’t funny anymore, and I was sick of it!

 

In our classes, Fusion-minded teachers (or even non-alums associated with the same people) would often harshly question the class after a student blanked on an easy question, “Are you even trying!? Do you even care that this isn’t just a grade, but is what determines how valuable you can be among UPGs!?” I was typically a stellar student, but felt horribly for my peers who took the blame when my grades were setting a bar they would be yelled at for not meeting. I had other students come up to me saying things like, “How do you not get nervous in class? I need a lot of help, I feel so much anxiety every time we go in the classroom!” And they weren’t exaggerating by any means- I saw how their countenance changed and their voices shook while we were in there. My dilemma was that I could excel academically and this would certainly be of some benefit for unreached peoples, but I never wanted to be the star Fusion student whose example the teachers would use to heap shame on my friends.

 

To elaborate on the most obvious example of verbal abuse, the yelling and screaming I’m talking about was indeed literal verbal aggression. The advocates even told us that before ground school they had their own type of ground school but to practice how to maintain a constant aggressive yell. How demonic! It’s hilarious that they would painstakingly tell us how much they dreaded this leader-training more than their original ground school they had as candidates. “Because this time we had to endure the suffering of making other students feel the same way we once did, and we have to stay firm in it even though we knew you all were still so confused. You just can’t understand until later how much you needed this experience to truly know Christ.” Well you poor thing! If only there was a way Jesus taught discipleship without either parties being screamed at, that’s too bad.

 

The Bible is serious about the power of our speech, and it’s absurd to think that intentionally unlearning good patterns of self-controlled speech would benefit our peers. For, “death and life are in the power of the tongue and those who love it eat its fruit.” (Proverbs 18:21) It seems that Fusion leaders love using the power of the tongue, and they even hold leadership trainings to become masters at using it against others! 

 

“Every kind of animal, bird, reptile, and fish is tamed and has been tamed by humankind, but no one can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in God’s likeness. Blessing and cursing come out of the same mouth. My brothers and sisters, these things should not be this way.”  (James 3:7-9)

 

The last way I consider Fusion leaders to be verbally abusive is in the methods they resort to when confronted in an offense. In Matthew 23, Jesus raises two problems with the religious leaders of his day: double life (Matthew 23:3) and double talk (Matthew 23:16–18). False spiritual leaders follow different rules than they lay on everyone else. Jesus told his followers to “do and observe” what the false spiritual leaders said but not to follow the example of their actions (Matthew 23:3). Essentially, do as they say, not as they do. This may seem surprising: why listen to a false leader at all?  (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 10)

 

People in spiritually abusive situations hear “don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater” so many times that they grow weary of hearing it. This platitude can be a tactic used by someone’s supporters to sweep problems under the rug. However, there is an important truth: even false, hypocritical leaders probably teach some things that are in line with God’s truth, even if they fail to walk what they talk. It is probably to be expected that there will be a bit of a pendulum swing when we finally realize that the false teachers are hypocrites who say one thing and do another. Some people will conclude that the whole thing has been a lie — God, the Bible, Christianity, the whole thing — and they throw it all out. However, God’s Word is good, even though it has been mishandled by false teachers. It is in our own best interest not to go so far overboard that we throw out God’s Word along with the hypocrisy.  (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 10)

 

In Matthew 23:16–18, Jesus condemned the Pharisees for making crooked oaths. They would swear by the Temple to leave themselves wiggle room but swear by the gold in the Temple if they really meant it. Abusive leaders will always give you the “right” answer, even if it isn’t the “real” answer. They talk a good talk and it always sounds right, but you start to get a vague sense that they are not completely level with you. This is double-talk. It is not necessary for us to do this to ourselves. We do not always need to look good and give the “right” answers. It can be scary but liberating to realize that we can lay down the mask, be honest, and admit that we are sorry, or that we don’t know, or that we are tired or need help. Double-talk is a temptation for all of us when we want to look good. But when we give the “right” answer that is not the “real” answer, we tell a lie. This can create real damage. If someone relaxes and trusts you in the belief that you are safe, and then they find you have not been straight with them, they may have a very difficult time trusting others in the future. (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 10)

 

I had whiplash from all the arguments I had with my leader that quickly shifted back to, “It’s all okay, nothing really happened.” I was constantly in and out of these sickening cycles of trying to address something that hurt or confused me. I kept ending up at the same place I had landed before with more questions than answers, a vague reassurance that I could still be a good Fusion member if I just kept in line with the system from here on out, but a strong unsettling feeling that no real reconciliation had happened and that I was in far more trouble now than I was before.

 

The irony is that in large group settings the director would say, “I’ve heard such and such a problem has been a major complaint lately, well talk to your advocates! They love you and are there to guide you and help you!” Yet when we would do what he instructed and confide in our advocate, we were often belittled for not ‘getting it’ or rebuked for not seeming to be fully on board with whatever it was we were questioning. They would also remind us that following their direction is for our good. “Yes, exactly,” I would think, “And that’s why I’m coming to you for direction!”

 

The biggest sadness for me in addressing issues the way I am doing now, is that I know it has to be addressed this way. I tried bringing these things up while I was in Fusion. I raised my concerns with the leaders of Spurgeon and Midwestern, as well as with the International Mission Board. Nothing else has ever seemed to work! I never imagined the facade over the Fusion program could be maneuvered so well, so evasively around the ‘real answer’, that I would resort to laying out in a lengthy online article every fault I can think of to begin peeling back the mask. The truly fascinating thing about how Fusion operates is that they really do say everything right- every little thing without fail. I am sure that the directors are passing on the phrases they use to defend common types of objections because years later, students who were in completely different groups than I were repeating the exact same phrases I had heard. Because of how everyone collectively upheld these justifications, their responses always came across as indisputable, impossible to be proven wrong.

 

They taught on the dangers of legalism, in fact, a whole semester was devoted to studying the sermon on the mount and how we couldn’t attain righteousness by our own merit. Then the next day, we’d go out in the woods and do our Fusion chants while being barked at for not being good enough yet. It wasn’t ever very specific things they would yell at us either- just a way of keeping the group ‘humble’ and reminding us we have a long way to go before being ‘biblical men and women’. An obvious example of their rebukes and encouragements that were often true, just not helpful, was when they’d call someone out in pride, because it’s the root of all sin. It’s not uncommon for Fusion members to catch another in a sin, but all they say is, “You are being prideful.” Well, obviously sin is prideful, but is that really helping your brother or sister to just remind them, “Look at you! You’re a sinner!” We will all continue to be affected by our sin and pride until Jesus returns and finishes what he started in us, but until then, are we to nitpick at each other's flaws or restore each other in a Spirit of gentleness? (Galatians 6:1)

 

After snapping out of  these uncomfortable, embarrassing moments we were supposed to be able to go right back to life unbothered by it, because surely enough, when we brought up our questions they could always give the ‘right’ answer. For people who don’t have the wisdom to separate God’s truth from the way it’s being mishandled by men, many do end up rejecting God altogether. Some are able to continue having faith in God, but will never again be able to trust a religious system. For me, believing in Jesus was the only thing that ever held my life together and this exact type of confusion is what led me to having a major suicide attempt after leaving Spurgeon College. I didn’t know what to do in a world where the people following my God were the ones abusing me, treating me like dirt, and telling me that I’m worthless, that I’m nothing.

Emotional Abuse

Emotions are that inner part of us that signal things that don’t always make concrete sense on the surface. They can drive our most basic passions and motivations, but are also something Christians can learn to tame and guide toward the things we know to be true in our minds. The issue of leaders abusing Fusion students’ emotions is a complex one. At times leaders go to great efforts to show that they care for the wellbeing of their students. Yet, so quickly they flip a switch, take advantage of the trust we’ve built in them, violating sensitive boundaries. To fully address the abuses of Fusion’s authority, I have to bring up emotional wellbeing, mental health, and suicidalness among students and leaders. There are many ways leaders hurt students using such a vague nuance that it's likely they will never be held accountable. However, when a large number of people’s emotions are all spiraling to the same end- hopelessness and seeing no point in their life- it would take leaders who are very unaware of mental health, or who are brainwashed by the system at play, to simply look the other way. While emotional manipulation and taking advantage of our motives is a common theme in the program, I believe the greater issue is when mental and emotional health has been neglected entirely despite the knowledge that the student’s life could be in danger.

 

There was always a guide-on (the flag chosen by each team’s leader) that stood in the corner of the dorm basement. It was covered with a black cloth so that all you saw was the wooden pole. We wouldn’t meet in that room very often and I never took much notice of it until someone who had quit explained to me the tragic story behind it. There were certain things in the program that you only hear whispers of from the leaders and you know not to ask much more; this was one of them. How the guide-on flags work is that once a student becomes an advocate, they carry on the flag as a way to honor a previous leader who carried that same flag before them. The reason for the cover on the guide-on in the corner was because the last advocate who carried it had commit suicide after the year they led Fusion, so this was now a “retired flag”. I don’t know any further details about this story.

 

It would be convenient to dismiss this as an isolated tragedy. However, the testimonies of many others who’ve struggled with depression, intrusive thoughts, and suicidalness, only to be told their feelings are indicative of their relationship with Jesus, or lack thereof, proves there’s a much more tangled web of Fusion’s failures leading to these sorts of occurrences. We began with 39 people the year I was in Fusion, and I don’t have enough fingers on my hands to count the number of people who I knew to be struggling with their mental health during the process. Though I can’t speak specifics for anyone other than myself, please pay attention to the ways common occurrences every person in Fusion experiences can violate emotional boundaries, betray trust, and severely damage those who aren’t seen as successful in the program. To start, let’s go back to the beginning to look at each of the issues that emotional abuse proceeds from.

 

From day one, Fusion provides no room for healthy personal boundaries. By the end of the first two weeks, you’ve had to figure out together as a team how to shower, dress, and use the bathroom outside in the woods (and for about half of us girls, those weeks were a bit more interesting). Most of all, we figured out how to protect each other from getting in trouble with the leaders while in training-mode. It goes without saying that you’ve bonded with each other whether you wanted to or not. What you don’t realize is that you’ve unknowingly signed up to let these people comment on every sin they think they see in you. You don’t have any say in your schedule and are unable to have a job or life activities outside of the program. You will spend all year with people who suddenly seem to be your closest allies, but really know nothing about you. You quickly become extremely vulnerable to the will of your leader and your teammates. There was little distinction between one candidate and the next- and that was the intentional design.

 

Fusion leaders would argue, “But that’s the way we do it because on the mission field you have to be able to sacrifice whatever boundaries necessary for the purpose of accomplishing the task”. I disagree with this logic- I’ve seen from missionaries I’ve partnered with that personal boundaries are more important than ever on the field. If you’re unable to take time away for yourself (like Jesus often did!) to decompress and recharge, your ministry will surely crumble. It’s totally normal to have a personal ‘tentmaking job’ while on mission overseas, and to have friends and hobbies that are unrelated to missions. We sacrifice whatever is necessary, but we don’t need to sacrifice what is unnecessary. There are many things we must be able to confide in our missions partners for, but enmeshed relationships with zero boundaries are not the goal, and would never be a worthy ideal anyway.

 

Counting the cost of following Jesus doesn’t mean we have to give up the small things like having personal time, emotional space, and the ability to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to activities. With this ‘no-boundaries’ design, cohorts ( 3-5 person missions teams) quickly become emotionally unhealthy. It soon feels disloyal to disagree about anything. Numerous verses speak to preserving and maintaining peace, but false peace is maintained by keeping a “can’t-talk” rule and sweeping all the problems under the rug. A true peace-maker is one who is able to help make peace where there is no peace, not one who helps cover up problems and keep them out of view. Furthermore, peace is an issue of the heart, not an issue of smoothing things over.  (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 7) Though the appearance of peace and unity is still somehow intact after all these years of Fusion classes, what happens from the inside perspective is very telling of how emotions are manipulated into keeping “the peace”.

 

One scenario of emotional manipulation is how Fusion creates its own ‘hell-demonstration’ as a dramatic role-play lesson. We had been blindfolded and some of us bound at the wrists before arriving at the location our leaders planned that day. We were being guided by feeling each other's backs in front of us and making sure to not get out of reaching distance. Soon, we were hunched down, our boots were sloshing around in shallow water inside round walls, and our quiet whispers saying, “watch out here… step over that,” were beginning to loudly echo. We eventually realized we were inside a storm sewer drainage system like something out of the Ninja Turtles. Eventually it became so dark that the leaders had us remove the blindfolds, knowing we couldn’t even see our own hand in front of our face. At this point we weren’t permitted to speak either, and the silence was just as deafening as the dark was blinding.

 

After a long pause of silence and confusion, the director began to tell the story of people who are born, live, and die without the gospel, and how they are living in total darkness, fumbling for the right path as we were. We naturally felt much uneasiness already because being blindfolded, silenced, and forced to go through underground tunnels tends to do that to a person. What they were doing now through the lesson was using our currently lived experience to heighten the emotion of things we knew to be true regardless of the emotional intensity. When he explained the correct theological stance that these people will experience eternal torment in hellfire, suddenly all the leaders started shrieking, crying out loudly and dramatically as if in torment. The screams went on, and didn’t end quickly. The sudden echo of voices in agony takes over your heightened senses and shocks your body like a sudden jolt of electricity so that most of us begin screaming too.

 

When it finally died down, they lit a candle and we all saw each other’s faces after we had been crying. Many of us felt reassured that everyone else was just as freaked out. I personally remember that at this point, I couldn’t even focus anymore on what he was trying to teach about the light of the gospel. I remember it from recaped explanations afterward but in the moment, my mind was in such a frenzy that all I could do was keep looking at my classmates' faces reminding myself, “Oh, you’re not hallucinating or having one of your nightmares because they’re having it too, and you’re all actually just crouched down in sewer tunnels underground right now.” It was like I had to consciously register with my body’s senses where I actually was and what was true about the experience that felt and sounded quite like one would imagine the agony of hell.

 

There were many instances like this one where the reality of our physical situation was manipulated in a way that controlled our emotions. Visual lessons were given similarly in cemeteries or at other religious establishments. These things took a serious toll on the health of people’s minds. There was a night soon after this that every single person was hallucinating through their flag guarding shift, and kept complaining of being violently attacked by men, animals, or large objects crushing them. I remember this specifically because the next morning, the entire group discussed if there was anyone who didn’t have this sort of hallucination, and we found no exception among us. There was one night I kept jumping out of the way of the men I was hallucinating. I even fell over to the ground because I thought I was escaping the attack of someone I saw coming towards me.

 

These extreme fears we experienced didn’t appear to be justifications for lightening up on us, rather were used against us. Fear of danger, fear of not having food or water, fear of cold and protection from climate- these were all things that showed how weak we were in Christ. They were using techniques of weakening our physical and mental state in order to brainwash and rewire our thinking with their rules. And they were reframing all of this with what would be very sound doctrine apart from its twisted application. The behaviors that were supposed to teach us lessons of Christ were truly psychotic and cruel, yet by the time you realize it you feel too powerless to give a reasonable defense, and it often seems more empowering to play along than to be even more isolated by standing against the group.

 

People may have a hard time leaving an abusive system due to others’ opinions, fear, and being dependent, among other reasons. But there are two “emotional currents” that run particularly deep: the person is powerless, and the system is a trap. False shepherds strain out gnats while swallowing camels. They will obsess over the smallest details while being blind to soul-crushing pain and abuse right under their noses.  Those who never cared to seek God are not vulnerable to false shepherds. It is those who come seeking the good shepherd and find instead those shepherds who use the sheep for their own benefit who are vulnerable. When Jesus said that the Pharisees were guarding the door to the kingdom of heaven, the tragedy is that those who are being locked out are those who came seeking the Good Shepherd but were turned away by false shepherds. This isn’t the model of Jesus. While there were key parts of the trainings where the advocates were portrayed as Christ-figures who sacrificed everything for us, I felt it was only a show. Their day to day behavior was not of a gentle, loving, sacrificing leader.  (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 7)

 

Being immune to anxiety or any type of mental health struggle was very much an unwritten standard of Fusion. There was no place for emotional instability if you were a Christian. Those who were struggling emotionally were given more work to do to fix it. Usually this meant memorizing Bible verses about peace, not worrying, and not being angry. I know of enough people who were given this ‘assignment’ to understand it to be the norm. My once invaluable time with the Lord became more and more about sitting over my Bible where my advocate could see me as to say, “Look, I’m doing what you want, now please get off my back about it!” There was no place for talking about what caused those emotions to come up in the first place, only what will make them go away. The result was looking at pages of the Bible that now had become numbing and deadening because the concepts pressuring me towards truly understanding it were meant to “fix me” in a way I didn’t believe I needed fixing.

 

When I was struggling greatly with Fusion issues, arguing with my advocate, and only getting more anxious and depressed, there was a gathering I remember very specifically where one of the Fusion directors was speaking about all those who had quit so far. I remember at the end of that gathering time, he said that if there’s anyone in the room who’s really struggling with making sense of things after so many people had left, they should come down to his office and just talk to him about whatever they’d like to. It seemed like a miracle! Finally, an olive branch extended in a way that was safe and open ended, not like many comments that were already pointed to a certain end. When we sang a few songs and large group time ended, I told my group leader I was going to head over there and talk to him. I remember being mocked a bit for this and questioned as to why I would even need to. Didn’t it seem obvious? In this argument, she really had nothing over me though, because it was her leader. I felt a sense of satisfaction and even a hope of real emotional safety from this ‘win’, that is, until I got to his office and realized that maybe she was only trying to warn me.

 

When I got to his office, my head was spinning and my gut was screaming, “don’t do this, you have so much to lose here!” But at this point, I had been getting just as sick of going along with the program and watching other people suffer for it. I went in there and immediately noticed how incredibly confused he was to see me. He asked in a perplexed tone, “What are you doing here?” I remember thinking, “So… does nothing these people say have any meaning at all!? They just say what we should do in a condescending way, and expect we’ll never actually do it!?” Typically I wouldn’t do the things they say when they used this type of subtle reverse psychology trick that made us feel guilty and want the opposite, but this was something I had actually been wanting to talk to him about for awhile. So why was it so strange that I took him at his word?

 

I responded saying that I was coming to talk to him about struggling with the program because I thought that’s what he was suggesting at the gathering. I remember explaining that I feel like all the things Fusion claims to do for a believer were actually turning out the exact opposite for me. I said that before I came I felt very fruitful and fulfilled while living as a Christian in the secular environments I was a part of, but the longer I was there at the missions program the more I felt disconnected from the Lord. At this comment, he quickly jumped in and noted with a smug tone that, “Fusion doesn’t have the power to create those types of problems in you, it only can reveal what’s already in your heart. So if you’re feeling far from the Lord, it’s because you have been all along.”

 

This was astonishing to me! In an instant when I heard him clearly place all the blame back on me for the way he was leading, and the way I was giving honest, vulnerable feedback, it was like these walls of excuses I had been making for him all came crashing down. All the tricks and lies finally became perfectly clear, but it was far too late because I was totally shattered inside. It was a hysterically ridiculous moment but not in any way I could appreciate at the time, because although he totally sabotaged his own credibility, the joke was all on me! Up until this point I had a very hard time admitting the abuse because even if it was abuse, I wouldn’t know what to do about it anyway. When I was given nothing to do about it except surrender to a system with the supposed power to reveal everything I perceived wrongly due to the sole culprit of past service in lesser ministries, everything flipped; there was no way not to feel abused in mind and heart. The only way to continue would be to hand over my mind, my will, and my memories of God to them. After all, everything I knew from learning about God before then was probably an illusion… only Fusion can reveal what’s true about someone’s relationship with God.

 

Often Spiritual Abuse victims have a hard time admitting for complex reasons:

  • You are told that you are “the problem” for noticing that there is a problem

  • Admitting the abuse feels like disloyalty

  • Abuse has come to feel normal

  • Denial is a common human instinct. The numbness of denial feels easier than the excruciating pain of the inconsistencies being experienced.

  • Shame: you feel defective for allowing yourself to have been drawn into the situation in the first place. (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 3)

 

The conversation with him didn’t really end at a closing point. I remember this excruciatingly long pause after his comment where we were still locked eyes with each other until I said something like, “Uh, okay,” and walked right out of his office. I did remember mentioning in some point of our conversation the fact that I was really only staying in the program because my parents fight all the time and if I quit, all I’m going back to is being a teenage marriage mediator, which I had also gotten pretty sick of. I wonder if this is what really spooked him- the idea that someone would know to a certain extent that it’s a sham, yet still rather hang around. A couple days later, he came up to me when I was outside by myself and started telling me about how when he first got married to his wife they had all sorts of marriage problems too, how they would fight all the time, and that it almost ended at one point if it wasn’t for them working through things. He went into some specifics they had to overcome.

 

This was completely out of the blue, and I felt very uncomfortable… Was he trying to confide in me? Was he trying to correct his arrogance from the other day and appear as vulnerable? Did he really expect me to trust him again? Was this a way of subtly saying, “if you don’t want to be here it’s really okay, go back home to your parents, we figured it out eventually, they will too”? Did he want some of my “teenager-perspective on marriage” advice!? What I really should’ve said was, “Marriage doesn’t have the power to create those types of problems in you, it only can reveal what’s already in your heart!” This may have actually been what he was getting at, but still, given that nothing was forced upon him, I don’t see any meaningful parallel. Once again, I just let it be and continued on way more confused and disoriented than before.

 

It’s not unusual that Fusion candidates quickly flop from passionately agreeing with the system, to suddenly deciding they are against every part of it. I understand how from the outside this can seem very wishy-washy, but there is a reason. It’s impossible for us to bring up issues little by little, as they arise, without being shamed. I tried this more than once. I would feel disloyal and conclude that it’s easier to keep living in denial. After all, however bad the situation really was, it had become my ‘normal’. I realized I had to stop saying how I actually felt, and just keep going along with it until I had both the practical means to leave, and the full explanation as to why I disagreed. There was no such thing as trusting my advocate to walk through it with me. Of course, that’s what they told us to do, but it came back to bite us every time. I simply didn’t have any safe space to sort though my own thoughts while I was still in the program, and practically, I didn’t have an emotionally safe place to move back home to if I couldn’t explain to friends or mentors why I was quitting and leaving Kansas City. After this conversation with that director, I began realizing that I needed to find a place to go, and fast! Because denial wasn’t working anymore and depression was quickly turning into suicidalness.

 

Using phrases like “deny yourself, and carry your cross” makes Fusion sound like the focus is on Jesus. The cross at which we die is the cross of Christ, not some leader’s agenda. It is a misuse of “I die daily” to pressure people to constantly try not to feel, not to notice, or not to want. For Fusion members, the cross we carried was simply not the one that aligned with the missional calling given by God’s Spirit inside us- rather, it was the heavy burden of our leaders that we were tricked into bearing for them. I was called to missions among the unreached, but serving the requirements of demanding leaders was not what I signed up for. I was seeking those who led as servants, like Jesus did, and inspired me to live likewise.

 

While the image of unity is often perfectly maintained from the outside, and seen in the glowing feedback given by fusion participants on the close friendship of their cohort, this was a way to cover up what was keeping us from making true peace with leaders and peers. I too used this as a coping strategy all the time. People would ask me what my experience had been like, and I could immediately put on a gigantic smile and tell incredible stories of growth, gospel sharing, and team bonding. What else was I supposed to say? “Um, sorry, but you were actually fundraising and praying for me to come here and be treated abusively… oops!”

 

The beautiful thing is that there actually were true joys from the Lord that sustained me through those hard times when I felt completely alone. But as I grew more and more anxious at heart, that joy and peace that once sustained me inwardly only showed up as a thinner and thinner mask over the darkness I was being forced to hide. I had nowhere to turn with my struggles because the ‘spiritual discipline’ that was so prevalent, was not the type of discipline that’s meant to bring restoration and safety to the vulnerable flock. It was only able to silence and bury hurts. The problem with the way Fusion views discipline is that it’s not for the good of the ones who are being broken by the wrongdoing, but only for maintaining appearances. Church Discipline is a subject that can be misunderstood and misused. The goals that Scripture shows for church discipline are reconciliation and protecting other believers from danger. Whatever type of discipline I was receiving only brought on more harm. 

 

Soon after my conversation with the one director, I began having intrusive thoughts of suicide, along with ways to do it. I tried so hard to shake these thoughts, because it’s not like I truly desired to do it at that point (it’s not like you’re ever thinking, “Oh, this sounds like a good idea”), but as I played through scenarios in my mind of how to get myself out of this mess, I kept ending up with only one option. I centered my whole life around the idea of missions to unreached people groups even though family, friends, and teachers often ridiculed me for it. Coming to this program was supposed to be my turning point where I could finally connect with the people who would understand me. Yet, it had been one big lie, and unless I denied my calling to missions (which even at this point I couldn’t imagine doing), I had no idea how to confide in my family again, or try to find a roommate elsewhere. There seemed to be no other way out. 

 

Really, the only other way out that made any sense was the way Fusion suggests- admitting I wasn’t really a Christian at all. And this was tempting. Many people do take this route because if no one takes their side against the seminary that runs it all, how else should they cope other than admitting the whole religion is broken? I actually found myself praying, asking God to help me figure out how to forget about Christianity because it kept making me so suicidal, but then I realized what I was doing and was like, “Oh, dang it! If I’m trying to deny my faith, I’m not doing a very good job at it!” I saw very quickly that it was impossible for me to deny Christ. I was in too deep, I had seen Him do too much to not believe even if I tried not too. Even if I came to believe that every other Christian in the world was getting it wrong (which is how it felt for awhile), there was no way I could deny the Spirit who sealed me for redemption and lived inside me. I resonate a lot with Peter saying, “Where else can I go? Who else holds the words to eternal life?”

 

I opened up to my advocate about the increasingly frequent thoughts of suicide because I didn’t know what else to do, and even though they already showed to be awful spiritual leaders, I really thought that if my life was in danger they would prioritize that over whether I was quitting or not. When I asked if this meant I shouldn’t be going overseas, she said, “Of course not! We don’t quit on people here. You don’t get an excuse from going on the trip just because you’re feeling suicidal!” This was quite interesting since the manipulation they used to get people to work hard in the program was being allowed to go on the trip at the end of the spring semester. Covid hitting in 2020 and canceling our trip was actually a huge blessing for me because I’m fairly certain I would’ve killed myself if I went overseas in that condition and had to endure even more unpredictable leadership, social disorientation, along with the blame that I should be strong enough to put their gospel needs before my mental health.

 

I did end up returning home when the lockdown was mandated. It seemed like a no-brainer since the reasoning had nothing to do with our differences over missions anymore, but just with the state of the world. The suicidal ideation didn’t go away though. Leaving Fusion was much harder than going along with it. The way they explained things made so much sense apart from their actions, and I could never seem to prove them wrong. How could I be a Christian if the seminaries, Bible scholars, and missionaries are treating people this way? It seemed like I would have to live as a Christian all alone, like the mission I was called to had just become a whole lot bigger and a whole lot lonelier.

 

I had been so effectively convinced by their words (because often, they actually did explain the scripture so beautifully!) that if that was the way I was supposed to live it out, I wanted nothing more to do with life. I came to the point of reasoning with God that even though I knew suicide was not honoring to  Him because I was made me in His likeness, if there were no Christians left in the world who understood me and actually lived like Christians, I just couldn’t do it anymore and was ready to come home. As I was waiting to die, I remember telling Him that I was so sorry, that I wish I was strong enough to keep living the way He wanted me to despite all the opposition I was facing, but I just couldn’t figure out how to do it. I remember saying that I know He gave me a calling to missions, but that I had already done so much to serve the kingdom with my short life and wanted Him to be pleased with me, and that I knew He would be pleased just because I believe in Jesus’ life that was paid for mine and was ready to see Him and hear Him say, “well done”. I needed to hear someone I respected say “well done” so badly. There were few people left in that category anymore. One of the final things I prayed was that if this isn’t what He wanted, I believed in the power of His will and He’d have to stop me, but I couldn’t figure out how to stop myself anymore.

 

Though obviously my reasoning was not based in truth, but very twisted distortions, it was all I could see to be true at the time. Looking back, I am in awe of how God was tracking with my thought process despite it’s flaws; that suicide attempt didn’t work and I don’t have a good explanation why. I mean, in a literal sense I had been planning to for over 24 hours but suddenly just didn’t follow through with it all the way. But I didn’t ever feel like it was me choosing not to, and in the days following, I was still very upset that it didn’t happen. It’s only through the people who were the exact opposite of my Fusion leaders- who didn’t have the exact answers or Bible knowledge, but who saw me, knew I was worth it, and just decided to hold on to me even though I wasn’t making any sense- that I was able to rebuild my faith in the Lord based on what was true. I can speak confidently and publicly about these personal issues of my past because, all thanks to God, this isn’t me anymore! And this never was what defined me at all, it was only a lie I believed for a time. Hopefully you can see how the multitude of complex issues at play prove that this wasn't a unique case- this is the dark place where Fusion is leading genuine people.

Physical Abuse

Fusion forces physical harm upon people both directly and indirectly. The indirect physical harm that comes upon student’s bodies typically has to do with unrealistic standards. Before signing up, I had some understanding that the program would keep me very busy, too busy to begin the semester with a job. They made sure I knew that it wasn’t good to begin Fusion with any outside commitments because it would be a big adjustment. However, it is more than just a commitment or adjustment issue… once you enter Fusion, your leaders are controlling every aspect of your life. 

 

Some of the standards of Fusion include:

  • 24/7 supervision and schedule monitoring by your advocate. This includes needing permission before going off campus or spending time alone. You are to always be with your cohort, or otherwise be accounted for.

  • Rigorous exercise 3 times per week, enforced by being yelled at or body shamed for showing physical weakness. If your body wasn’t hurting, you weren’t doing it right. Student’s who aren’t in perfect health often suffer some medical issues.

  • Becoming conversational in a language in 9 months, also enforced with frequent yelling in the classroom when effort is subpar.

 

Standards themselves are not abusive, per se. They become abusive when they are used to shame or degrade those who have other convictions. It is abusive if the people with strong convictions use their words to attack and wound anyone who disagrees or who fails to live up to their standards.  (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 1)

 

One common thing that all Fusion candidates share is our food cravings. Our bodies were under major stress, and there were certain types of foods that just hit the spot! During trainings, a few gracious alumni would break the rules to sneak us food in the middle of the night. Everyone knew that the best food to get your hands on was by far peanut butter. The funny thing is, I had always hated peanut butter- the taste, texture, everything about it. I remember others who never liked it before also mentioned how they found it strange that when we would see someone coming with packets of peanut butter, it was like it called out to us!

 

It may seem like a silly example, but when you think of how lacking our bodies were in nutrients during those weeks, of course the thing our stomachs were screaming for was fat, salt, and protein. Most of our ground school diet was only rice and beans. Our diet was often turned into a disciplinary method as well and we would be forced to eat dry oats or rotten fruit. We also were made to eat extremely fast. A timer was often set for 2 or 3 minutes and we would have to finish everything on our plate no matter if we could stomach it or not. Throwing up was very common, if not while trying to eat, then when forced to exercise soon after.

 

With all this going on, it’s no surprise my eating habits were very out of whack from the start of Fusion. When the first training ended, many people took comfort in being able to eat whatever we wanted, in however much or however little we wanted, and taking whatever amount of time we chose to. Sugar and carbs quickly became an emotional outlet. One time my leader specifically got on our team for this. One of the girls excitedly mentioned that we should go out for boba tea again that night. We would often go at least once or twice every week, which was admittedly a bit excessive. However, the way my leader decided to address this was by suddenly shutting down the idea and telling us that she thinks we’re using junk food as a way to replace the Lord. In more recent years I’ve heard that the leaders are actually tracking the students’ body weight each week! Is this added pressure really the solution to the already problematic diet monitoring? Maybe these things help physical fitness throughout the year, but when the Fusion year is over and leaders aren’t there to nitpick your decisions anymore, people often suffer from even more uncontrollable habits than before.

 

Now, of course gluttony is a legitimate sin. But the reason we were craving sugar was not because we lacked a true love for Jesus, quite the opposite actually. Our bodies were doing so much ‘for Jesus’ that we were operating out of a constant state of exhaustion! At the end of a long day, any person whose energy stores are depleted is going to crave carbs, fats, and sugar. It’s the simple truth of the matter. Healthy rhythms of work, rest, eat, repeat help regulate our bodies and fight cravings. Fusion severely damages student’s understanding of how to keep the body healthy and it has serious consequences in people’s lives. 

 

Fusion’s purpose is to reveal how weak you are, and how much you need God for every single thing. Leaders regularly tell students, “You’re worthless. You’re nothing.” They explain that if we don’t think we have a pride issue, we just need to go without food and shelter for a little while and wait for the thoughts of entitlement to arise. The point was to realize that we are entirely dependent on physical things, and without them, all we are is a miserable arrangement of flesh and bone. Only upon feeling this great sense of need, could we truly understand our sin and depravity. But do we really think this is true? Do we believe that when God created man he said, “It is not good. He is worthless. He is nothing. Look how much he needs just to be able to survive.” To think this way is an entire misunderstanding of what it means to be image-bearers and what it means to be fallen humans. Our physical bodies are cursed to hurt, hunger, and fatigue due to the harder work we must now do to sustain our life, but these physical pains and groanings are only the reminder that we were created for a better, eternally-sustained life.

 

We are made good! We are made as mirrors of the Creator! And yes, we are fallen and entirely sinful. But we aren’t sinful because we are dependent on things, we're sinful because we harm others out of fear we won't get what we're dependent on. In Scripture, the times of famine and scarcity present as a test of how God’s people will respond- in faith that He promises to provide to the obedient, or in fear, doubt, and disobedience.

 

Without his abundant provision, we do tend to image God very poorly, yet there is such a thing as common grace. He does bring rain on the just and the unjust. Fusion tries to strip this concept away in order to make us feel guilty for having basic necessities that every human being requires and is provided for as God sees fit. He does not provide the humans garments to cover their nakedness saying, “And, you should feel guilty!” He knew we would need His provision and His sacrifice all along. Our sin is not our physical needs. God is not burdened by us requiring things so little as food and clothes. He says that He loves to give us these things, for how could the one who loves us give a snake or a stone?

 

The way Fusion viewed physical needs left me with a constant fear of not having food, shelter, transportation… and feeling like I was the problem for needing these things. This is entirely wrong thinking for Christians! After being forced under this type of leadership in Fusion, I had lasting damage. I had no balance to my work out routine and would often exhaust my body to the point of injury. As I did exercises I used to be able to handle just fine, I would feel the same shame I was treated with in Fusion and push myself harder and harder. Eventually I gave up on exercise entirely because of the invasive Fusion memories. I developed an eating disorder, and struggled for years with emotional eating. Sometimes I was afraid of eating, sometimes I was afraid of not eating. Sometimes certain foods made me feel like I was a sinner. At one point, I gave up on thinking about how to eat healthy at all because of the triggers associated with it.

 

It was only in the last couple years that I’ve been able to figure out logical answers to how this all is connected. The autonomic nervous system is what regulates all the things the body should do without thinking. People often develop something called dysautonomia after coming out of a traumatic stage of life. The signals your body should automatically receive from the brain such as hunger, tiredness, temperature, breathing, and pain can all get out of whack. It’s often misdiagnosed as a mental health problem since there are emotional triggers, but it has everything to do with the body systems themselves not being able to function. 

 

I know some who would say, “Well that’s good you figured it out in Fusion! It’s better to learn that now than once you’ve already moved overseas.” It’s ironic that plenty others who leave Fusion develop brand new stress related health conditions soon after. One person from my Fusion class even had the same rare diagnosis as I upon leaving. In the same way as I, their symptoms worsen the most drastically with Fusion triggers. In one sense, yes, I was going to figure out that I had a hereditary predisposition to these health issues eventually. But also, with limited triggers and a balanced lifestyle, I now am very capable of managing my health and being fully involved in ministry. In fact, the most balanced and healthy my body has ever been was when I spent extended time outside of the U.S. Do we really think missionaries are unable to serve God without ideal health? I have known people who came back to the States from the 10/40 for knee surgery, and went right back over to recover among those they minister to. While still unable to get out of the house, they’re still discipling new believers from their recliner as they take turns caretaking for them each day!

 

With so much to accomplish in order to produce excellent missions teams, the needs of the students were neglected. Though we worked hard to achieve what our leaders expected, some of us fell short- and there was little grace shown for us. The concept of ‘His power being made perfect in our weakness’ seemed to only apply to those who were very strong, but made to seem weak under extreme circumstances. Those people could happily rejoice that they have suffered and that Christ is honored by their endurance. But what about those who couldn’t endure the human standards set for us? The message I heard repeatedly was that it was my fault- if I was a Christian who trusted Jesus more fully, I would've been able to handle the requirements. 

 

In Matthew 23:23–24, Jesus called out the blind guides for carefully counting out the tithes of their mint and dill and cumin while neglecting justice and mercy and faithfulness. Jesus compared this to the tragic comedy of straining out gnats but swallowing camels. Another way to say it is upside-down spirituality. What is truly significant is trivialized; what is insignificant becomes paramount.

 

When all is said and done, abusive spirituality is more interested in supporting doctrines (spiritual mindsets, mentalities, ways of viewing God) than in supporting people. It is not interested in learning the true conditions in which God builds a living relationship with people – by grace, for free, to become a wellspring of inner spiritual resource. For God himself is interested in men and women finding the right way to connect with and draw life from Him.  (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 12)


What sorrow awaits you teachers of religious law and you Pharisees. Hypocrites! For you are careful to tithe even the tiniest income from your herb gardens, but you ignore the more important aspects of the law—justice, mercy, and faith. You should tithe, yes, but do not neglect the more important things. Blind guides! You strain your water so you won’t accidentally swallow a gnat, but you swallow a camel!


What sorrow awaits you teachers of religious law and you Pharisees. Hypocrites! For you are so careful to clean the outside of the cup and the dish, but inside you are filthy—full of greed and self-indulgence! You blind Pharisee! First wash the inside of the cup and the dish, and then the outside will become clean, too.


What sorrow awaits you teachers of religious law and you Pharisees. Hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs—beautiful on the outside but filled on the inside with dead people’s bones and all sorts of impurity. Outwardly you look like righteous people, but inwardly your hearts are filled with hypocrisy and lawlessness.  (Matt. 23:23-28)

 

If you hear this as a message of how to change Fusion to make it better, you misunderstand. Those who think Fusion is a valid way of bringing honor to God are corrupt at heart. They lack love for people. They care for saving souls, but have no recognition of the people they belong to. Phrases like, “God didn’t save you just because He loves you, but to show His own glory” are wildly exaggerated. While the purpose of glorifying God is the chief aim, this is not in opposition to compassion, kindness, or God-honoring behavior. Fusion separates missions from the people involved in it. Leaders are often numb to the way physical pain affects others, even sometimes seeming to enjoy it! You would think that bringing direct harm to human beings and thinking it’s funny would be enough to shut down a program at any type of religious organization, but the following instances prove otherwise.

 

At about 3am on the very first night of Ground School, it was still fairly low temperatures outside and we were standing in formation when a leader with a sinister laugh about him brought over a hose to start drenching us with cold water. Students in the front started screaming because of how cold they were and quickly running out of the line, but the leaders immediately barked back at them to return to proper formation. Eventually a director told this leader to cut it out and explained that no one told him it was okay to take it this far. We wouldn’t have had any other clothes to change into if these were soaked, so they stopped it before they were. Yet, this sort of cruel behavior was very typical.

 

During our First Aid and Survival Training, the temperatures were just above freezing with consistent downpour. The director mentioned that he has prayed for exactly this sort of horrible weather upon us because it was what we needed to learn to be more joyful in the Lord’s goodness. He made sure to explain that being in rain at just above freezing temperatures is the harshest weather to survive in, because with snow or ice it would still be possible to stay dry and warm up around a fire. There were obviously no doctors to diagnose me in the middle of those woods, but I’m fairly certain I got mild hypothermia and frostbite over one of these nights. The cover of our shelter couldn’t keep me totally dry and I woke up with sharp pain in my lungs, and feeling like I couldn't speak or move. My eyes were open and I was conscious, but I spent over an hour trying to get my body to push through the pain and start breathing deeper, and getting my brain to actually make my body kick into gear and move off the ground. Of course, when everyone else woke up later than I, and I explained the strange occurrence, our leader quickly dismissed it. I guess it’s just part of the Fusion-experience to be unable to wiggle your stinging toes for half the day!

 

In the ‘crucible’ during Ground School, we were army crawling through the shallow creek on campus with ropes tied closely overhead, and bomb simulators going off. Interns were throwing muddy clumps with rocks at us. I began having a panic attack. I had never had one before. They continued laughing at me, and throwing clumps of mud at me until a decent sized rock hit me in the side of the head. Finally, I freaked out on them and my advocate made those interns cut it out. It never should’ve gotten that far. Later that day, my head hurt so badly, and was causing so much dizziness that I felt like I couldn’t stand- I told a leader how badly I was feeling, and they said it was okay for me to lie down in the shade (even though everyone else was hard at work). Moments later, other leaders kept coming up to me and yelling, “What do you think you’re doing, candidate!?” I tried to calmly explain that I had a migraine, and was too light headed to stand without blurry vision and pain. My speech was a bit slurred and I had no energy to even look at them when responding. I remember one leader pushing back at this, saying, “How can you speak to me that way!? Sit up, look at me, and talk clearly!” They continued on yelling the usual rebukes of not really loving Jesus enough to serve Him with my all.

 

Through much of Ground School, I told myself it was best to go along with whatever was happening, endure those two weeks, and then if I still felt I should quit, I could do it afterwards once I had the energy to clearly make the decision. But at this moment, I’d had enough already! I hardly opened my eyes to look at him, and didn’t raise my voice to speak firmly like I knew he wanted, but I spoke loud enough for him to hear me explain, “You are the ones not serving Christ if you keep yelling at me while I’m in excruciating pain due to the fact that you all threw rocks at my head!” Looking back,  I’m disappointed in myself because of how much abuse I enabled by even letting it get to this point. But I am glad I had enough sense in that moment to not go along with people who were physically harming me. I wanted nothing more to do with the program at this point.

 

One of the directors came up to me and tried to convince me to stay, but I wouldn’t even talk to them. Another one of the three directors came up to me and got really firm with me- basically turning the blame back on me for the fact that the interns (who just couldn’t handle things as well) were ‘having to deal with us’ for now since the advocates were going to get water for the foot washing ceremony. She claimed they would be showing the likeness of servants and of Jesus more than ever before because they were about to wash our dirty feet after we trekked through the muddy swamp all day. I really wasn’t buying it- I easily saw through the excuses because my head was still pounding due to this supposedly Christ-like program! Finally, she ‘broke character’ and told me it was only a couple hours till the end of Ground School, I just wasn’t supposed to know it yet. I toughed it out till the end of ground school and my advocate was actually pretty upset for me that I went through all of Ground School with concussion related headaches, and then had a repeated head injury, and there was no way for me to speak up. (I told this director that I had gotten a concussion a week before school started, and I was to do zero physical activity… I guess that wasn’t a good enough reason!) 

 

Ultimately, I did stay because as soon as Ground School ended everything totally flipped and the leaders used every opportunity to act extremely kind to us, and express how glad they were that it’s all over. They say they hated having to yell at us, just as much as we did (kinda pulling the ‘parent card’). I was in so much confusion, and knew I didn’t have a very stable home life to go back to if I moved back in with my parents, so I just kept on keeping on through the Fusion process. And I was excited to be a part of it in some ways, because at surface-level, there were still some great things going on. I got to be around people who talked about Jesus all the time with unbelievers and with each other! That seemed to be everything I was looking for.

 

However, The issue of physical harm was not a one time thing. I am a concussion prone person, and had a few medical issues related to that (all of which I disclosed before sign-up), yet they were repeatedly neglected. I happened to have a second concussion before a different training and the exact same thing occurred. My leader told me, “If you can’t complete the training you’re not going on the trip.” In Security Training, yet again no medical grace was given to me. In fact, our bags were taken and medicine affecting my blood volume was withheld from me. When I tried to approach the trainers asking for it, I was publicly ridiculed and laughed at in front of the whole group! Another girl in our group also had important medical needs that could’ve been much worse if I didn’t get her and I’s medicine, but she was too nervous to break the ‘rules’ and approach them for it.

 

One person who was struggling to stay in-line with the program and began expressing struggles to leaders was told, “Suicidal thoughts are not an excuse. Medical problems are not an excuse. The only way we let you out of the program is if you deny Christ or decide to quit yourself.” I had a very similar experience with the medical problems I was developing. I remember trying to explain my body’s limitations (which I fully disclosed at sign-ups) and being asked “Do you really think you're able to do well on the mission trip with these issues? Maybe you're not going to be able to do this. If you’re feeling sick when we’re overseas, that means someone will have to stay home with you and not be able to go out for daily witnessing. If you’re only holding the team back, is that a good way to serve Jesus?” We ended up coming to the agreement that if I had a migraine overseas when the group needed to go out witnessing, I would just swallow the pain and go along with them. This sort of participation requirement despite being sick or in pain was forced upon me all throughout the school year anyway.

 

The leaders’ vaguely veiled threats of kicking you out for poor performance, but inability to clearly express whether they would actually do it, puts students in a difficult situation. Rather than admitting to their faults and coming to an agreement on how they will right these wrongs for students seeking a different schooling choice, the leaders opt to destroy people to the point of a painful collapse. They push and push students until they do end up quitting without any resolution or closure and then say, “look, I guess they never really cared all that much about following Jesus after all.”

 

These dynamics were incredibly harmful in the trainings and the cases of directly-caused harm, but also throughout our day to day life. Even people who were very physically capable but less adept at language learning began losing sleep under the academic workload and their wellness was visibly affected. I remember watching my peers’ physical exhaustion catch up with them. When these people came to the point of realizing they couldn’t hang on any longer and it was time to quit, their appearance and countenance didn’t even look like the person you used to know.

 

For me, the pressure to exercise and eat whatever I was given were the main physical triggers. I explained before sign-ups that cafeteria food is really rough on my stomach and affects my migraines, but when I would change up my diet and opt to make my own food in the dorm, my leader would tease me that I was just exaggerating. Another thing I communicated ahead of time is that I was never one to be able to tolerate vigorous exercise well. When I was forced to participate anyway, I got increasingly frequent migraines that school year. I can handle working out, and increasing the difficulty at my own pace just fine… I don’t think strenuous workouts are in and of themselves the problem. It can be very good to challenge the human body! But when you're screamed at for not pushing yourself hard enough, then minutes later, screamed at because now that you're doing the exercise faster/harder you're using ‘lazy form’, obeying your leader turns into a physically harmful requirement.

 

You simply can’t claim everything in Fusion is going well but some people just have bad experiences when there are so many major issues causing physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual harm to students in mass quantities. Even if those who speak up about these issues are still in the minority, the growing number of people who do and severity of their post-Fusion damage is saying something! And it’s saying something that God pays attention to, because those abused by spiritual leaders are dear to His heart. The oppressed are one of the main groups of people Jesus claims he came for.


I feel that all the superficial changes over the years have actually made things worse because it creates the illusion of growth. It’s always been the temptation for the leaders at the seminary to hear complaints like mine and respond, “We’re taking this very seriously. We will ensure that this, this, and that are now strictly off limits and have no place in Fusion.” Don’t they realize that if Fusion leaders want to keep treating incoming candidates the way they consistently plan to, they will always find new ways to do it? No matter how many things the college sets as ‘off-limits’ with new rules and structure changes, they can’t seem to grasp that the program is rotten at heart. This isn’t a problem of having too many bad influences who are allowed as leaders in the Fusion program, it’s a problem of what Fusion is all about. The emergence of bad leaders comes from the nature of the cycle. Healing and grace are shown by the truth of the matter coming out, and things can only be cleaned once you stop hiding the mess.

Sexual Harassment

Fusion teaches that suffering is good for a believer. They’d say, “If we don’t break you down and make you endure abuse yet still turn back rejoicing, forgive your abusers, and trust God, we’re simply not teaching the lessons right.” While suffering can be good for Christians in the sense that it is necessary at times for our refinement, the apostles viewed suffering as neutral. Paul talks in Philippians of how he’s learned to make do in all types of situations because he is content in the God who strengthens him, yet the church can do well by partnering with him in his hardship. When we are in hardship because of harmful unbelievers or simply our own life circumstances, mature Christians shouldn’t see any extreme positive or negative effect on our faith. Our faith is steadfast in the one that is unchanging. We rely on God, and the believers around us to give us strength.

 

However, when hardship is directly caused by Christian leaders who should be strengthening and supporting those entrusted to their care, that is something entirely different. Having the godly humility to tolerate disrespect rather than demanding retribution is not the same as enabling someone repeatedly putting you in harm, or ‘forgiving’ someone without limit who has no desire to repent. I’ve heard Fusion leaders argue back on this saying, “But Jesus endured the sins of the whole world, letting them harm Him repeatedly, and yet He says, ‘Father, forgive them’ before they had any intention of repenting.” I now understand that this is exactly the point! I don’t have to throw in the towel and endure endless injustice- it would be silly of me to try to suffer again for the thing He already bought with His blood. I can’t be Jesus- not for myself, not for friends who are unbelievers, and not for my fellow Christians.

 

Ministry leaders mimicking the hardship caused by unbelievers and by the world so that their brothers and sisters can grow in Christ is simply not something the Bible teaches- ever! And frankly, it’s not something that makes any lick of sense. I don't think there’s any more alarming problem with Fusion except that they have made up their own way of discipleship that is nowhere to be found in Scripture. Of course there were always some elements of truth involved- there’s even a day of Ground School where they emphasize that the whole point of the training is to show that you can never achieve the work, and that only Jesus can carry the heavy weight of sin. But interestingly enough, the illustration of the one who has to carry our burdens was represented by our advocates carrying all our bags. Advocates taking responsibility for their candidates’ needs doesn’t seem quite the same to me as the salvation of Jesus, especially since the very next day the advocates resume yelling at us and heaping on heavy loads of what we must achieve.

 

I have peace with God that I truly have forgiven my leaders from Fusion. In fact, I know I wouldn’t have the strength to write this if I hadn’t made peace with it. But I’ve had to come to a whole new understanding of what it means to forgive someone who’s unrepentant. I know now that it doesn’t mean that we neglect addressing the abuse, and sweep it under a rug in order to be more gracious to the abusers. I can’t count how many times I was warned by Fusion leaders or enabling pastors about a ‘root of bitterness’ or ‘harboring unforgiveness’. I was silenced with those phrases so many times that I eventually did start dealing with bitterness towards them! It turned into a downward spiral of self-blame as I saw myself becoming all the things they repeatedly labeled me as. I had dark, messy feelings for people that I needed to sort through. Yet, I knew enough to realize that ignoring my feelings about the injustices wasn’t the same as forgiving.

 

One of the most extreme examples of spiritual authority being abused was in Security Training. The setting is that we have been captured by terrorists and need to survive until authorities step in and rescue us. It’s all a role-play, but when a re-enactment lasts a whole week it’s difficult to remember what is real. Ongoing days without sleep or normal diet, plus harsh exercise and changing weather conditions naturally take a toll on your senses and distort your perception of reality. The leaders know this and fully plan for us to experience things this way.

 

Some of the guards pulled the three girls on my team aside, and with guns pointed at us the one man said, “I need a nice young lady to sleep with me in my tent tonight, so decide amongst yourself who it’s gonna be.” They were staring us up and down. After an awkward pause of silence, then a few insistent ‘No’s,  the other man got very firm, “You see girls, his sweet old wife passed and he hasn’t had womanly affection in a long time. He needs this, so either you decide who it is or we will!” 

 

My two teammates were standing behind me tightly grabbing my arms on either side. Though I'd had my issues with the leaders of the program, I was still the most bold of the 3 of us, and definitely the ‘mama bear’ personality that aimed to protect those around me. So immediately at this comment, I took charge and did what I was trained to- yelled, drew attention to the situation, and called him out as a shameful person. He then responded "Oooh, I like her. I'll take the spunky one!" I initially felt a huge sigh of relief at this comment. With how deep we were into the training after several days out there, I had legitimately forgotten that it was just a role play and remember thinking, "I'm actually gonna have to do this, but at least my friends won't have to." Later down the road, I had much more shame associated with my response to him singling me out. The scene was dispersed in a very insensitive way- a female leader in the role play heard our yelling back and forth, came over towards us, and broke it up saying, "Guys, you can't be trying to sleep with the females like that, they’re worth nothing to us if we don’t get ransom!" After that, we moved on with the rest of the training.

 

They tell us upfront that how much you get out of Security Training is up to you. They encourage us to let ourselves imagine it's all really happening and use it as a true test of how you’d do. I definitely did just as they said! I wanted to be the most well prepared missionary I could be for God's honor. I even had leaders tell me afterward that I did extremely well in the training, better than they’d expected or seen before, and they were truly amazed at how diligent I was to treat every situation with the seriousness required. Unfortunately, what they viewed as a "success" had the exact opposite effect than what was desired. In the following weeks, I became way less prepared for a mission trip than I would have been if they simply instructed me in what to do without traumatizing me by putting me through the worst parts of it.

 

Had I been simply instructed on handling those situations among terrorist captivity groups, I would likely respond exactly as well as I did in the training if I actually got into such a situation. Even IMB Journeymen and many Long-term missionaries I’ve met don't even do the role play part of this Fort Sherman training. They are required a lower level of training for years or a lifetime on the field than Fusion demands for a three month trip. Fort Sherman is the company that administers these trainings for the International Mission Board, but Fusion asks them to intensify it as much as possible. The problem with making us experience these extremely sensitive traumas in "training-mode" is that we're told afterward, "None of it was real. You don't need to worry about any of it now." The message I continually got from Fusion leaders and other people I sought help from afterward is "your hurt wasn't real". This was what revictimized me in a way that was unbearable. Though I've worked through much of this by now and am doing far better with trauma triggers, I still feel that should I be in a similar moment of crisis, I will be worse off because of the harmful training approach that was taken.

 

Since Fusion, I’ve walked alongside a Christian friend of mine during her very hard season after being raped. Though I would never minimize the pain she suffered, what I did notice was that from the start she was allowed to grieve. She was allowed to be scared every time someone came up behind her quickly. She was expected to wake up in a frenzy from terrifying dreams. The group of young ladies at our church group rallied around her, trying to just be present- not asking too many questions since they could never imagine what it must've been like. I was not given this type of consideration at all though I had many of the exact same symptoms.

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Though I never was actually raped or sexually assaulted, I truly think the psychological effects that this harassment had on me were as bad as if I had been, and possibly even worse because of the ambiguity of it. I think the man from Fort Sherman who singled me out and threatened to rape me during ‘training mode’ seemed to realize this too. After the training ended, he came up to me with his wife alongside him and sincerely apologized. He said that after how it went down that night, he felt the Lord convicting him and was brought to tears- he said he went and took a shower right afterward because he felt dirty and had to repent before God, but also thought he should apologize to me. I was still in a lot of denial, and started awkwardly laughing, saying it was totally fine and without really thinking, gave him and his wife a big hug!

 

In the months following, I would have dreams or waking visions of being raped by him, or by other men in my life. I didn't speak a single word to my dad for over a month. I had a lot of fear of being out in public on my own, was easily startled, and jumped at people touching me or approaching quickly from behind. Around men who have certain characteristics or features, I still totally shut down if it's a bad day with managing my PTSD. I was about as messed up as I would've been if it actually happened- except it didn't. Meaning, I had no one to rally around me, find me resources to help, or just sit with me and listen and believe me. None of my pastors fully believed and supported me, but just shrugged it off as a weird training approach, because nothing "really happened" and if it’s a seminary program with solid doctrine, how could it have been that bad?

 

While I am very thankful that nothing physically happened- that I didn't have to go through all the steps of getting a rape kit done, filing a report, and gathering evidence to stop repeated abuses against more women- those tedious and uncomfortable processes are also what reassures you that "this actually happened to me. It was awful, but it wasn’t my fault. I’m taking the right steps to fight against the injustice done, but now I'm safe, and only need to focus on working through it emotionally." I didn't have any logical way to explain or work through the deep psychological problems caused by this event. People from Fusion discussed these things as if it was my fault I was having severe issues following this event, and there was no way for me to feel safe in a reality where that was true. I was often told I needed to "forgive", but all that really meant was forgetting about how I was feeling.

 

When our brother or sister sees the heavy effects their sins have caused us and repents, we can forgive them gladly, rejoicing that Jesus also forgives those who turn to Him with their sin. When it’s someone who doesn’t have any remorse over their sin, or is totally blind to it, forgiveness still means releasing them to the God who handles sin. But if they are walking in unrepentant sin, a loving person will have an ongoing sorrow when thinking of them. Our strongest desire for them is that they heed our warning and change their direction before they meet the God of justice who we’ve released the matter to. I unashamedly bring up these issues time and time again because our God does not forget the oppressed.

 

Jesus read from the Isaiah scroll in the synagogue at Nazareth claiming He is the one sent to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor to the poor, the captives, and the oppressed. Only with this Lord of the Sabbath can we have a heart of complete forgiveness as many as 70 by 7 times. He is the God who wants believers to settle trivial matters amongst themselves because once we enter into His perfect rest, we will judge even the angels! But when God’s people are not displaying His care for the oppressed, but instead are continually abusing and oppressing, forgiving them means not seeking your own retribution, but releasing them to the justice of God. That type of justice should be a frightening thing for an unrepentant person. Likewise, the person who chooses to forgive, not be vengeful, but leave room for God’s wrath, likely won’t do it with a shallow cheerfulness if they understand the depth of what it means.

 

So no, I don’t just smile and lighten up about things that didn’t “really happen”. It’s comical to me the way christian leaders use passages like 1 Corinthians 6 and Romans 12 to discourage seeking any sort of legal or practical recourse against churches or christian institutions for injustices done to vulnerable members. Maybe they think the more they insist this is the blanket statement for any and all scenarios, the more likely they’ll bore us out of turning the next page to Romans 13. We all are accountable to the governing authorities and much of what happens in the Fusion program at Midwestern is walking a dangerously fine line between religious practices and illegal actions, even if simply for deceit fraud. I have no intention of starting a lawsuit, though there’s plenty of reason for one. The problem I’m more concerned about is the spiritual one, which no secular court can be the judge of. I know that seeking retribution would only compromise the integrity of what I want people to listen to most closely.

 

This is why I have no issue writing publicly about my experience in order to bring to light what has happened. I’ve tried several times to confront Fusion, Midwestern Seminary, and the International Mission Board in ways more closely aligned with the confrontation model Jesus gives the church, but when the people on the very top are covering up such massive problems, this is how I know to confront them. While I certainly never desired to have my most personal struggles broadcasted, I’ve come to the conclusion that these precious young people’s lives are worth it. For Jesus on the cross, they were worth everything! I can forgive radically because Jesus has forgiven me of much, but I refuse to live silenced by the fear of leaders who represent Jesus poorly.

A Flawed Missions Mindset

Despite the evidence of many forms of abuse, some people who are aware of all of it still really do think that if unreached peoples are hearing the gospel through Fusion members, it’s a win. They argue that it would be wrong to try and put a stop to Fusion because that would also stop necessary kingdom work. While the Bible is clear that our love and goodness should first be shown to our fellow Christians (Gal. 6:10), this discussion would not be complete without thoroughly examining how Fusion’s mission work is done. If the missions methods Fusion uses are healthy, I could see how this argument may seem plausible to some. But if, like all the other areas, their mindset is about keeping people trapped in a particular viewpoint, how could that be ‘good news’ at all?

 

How do you tell the difference between spreading the ‘Good News’ and ‘Recruiting’? Jesus’ coming was joyously announced as “Peace on earth, good will towards men.”  How do we distinguish those proclaiming the announcement of Jesus’ good news from those recruiting people to religion? Paul warned in Galatians 6:13 about those who wanted to “boast in the flesh”.  Through manipulating other believers into spiritual performance, they gained a name for themselves, all while subtly diverting attention away from themselves towards the followers they boasted in. Paul even mentions that this sort of “ministry” was easier because it was a way to avoid persecution, but that he was bearing the marks of Jesus’ suffering.

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If sharing the gospel has become equivalent to recruiting people for our ministry methods, we have a faulty understanding of the gospel. Fusion was much like this. The focus was seeking and saving those who are lost, but then keeping them in our trophy case, not anyone else's. If Christians aren’t able to come and go freely between structures of ministries and denominational programs, but must be recruited to one group then stick with it, we are missing the point! Think of how much God wants to teach believers through the different members of the body if only we allowed them to.  (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 15)

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Even the Pharisees believed in two levels of conversion: the proselyte at the gate and the proselyte of righteousness. The first level was a simple believer in God; the second level was a conversion to becoming like the Pharisees. Rather than converting to the one true God, it seems the priority was to convert people to religion. Jesus said, “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites, because you travel around on sea and land to make one proselyte; and when he becomes one, you make him twice as much a son of hell as yourselves.” Within missions communities, it often seems that there is a similar mindset. Do we view the  people we witness to as unique images of our God, or are we constantly evaluating them based on how useful they could be if we win them over? 

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This as opposed to the “I am of Paul; I am of Apollos” attitude of division and sectarianism. Does the “good news” you are hearing, or preaching, bring you life and spiritual health, or does it not? If the message you are hearing or preaching does not lift weights off people, set people free, and reconnect people to the true source of life — then is it the gospel? If it is not the gospel, what will it do to its hearers? The effect of trying to live under any message that is not the authentic “good news” from God will not be merely neutral. The effects will be harmful. (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 15)

 

It was very common in Fusion to judge other missions programs and ministries based on our own standards. I saw them do this with YWAM, World Race, or any travel ministry that seemed more adventure-focused than gospel-centered. Now, I actually agree with them that there are too many “missions programs” that aren’t really focused on the gospel, but constantly nitpicking at everyone else’s methods in order to show how yours are better doesn’t benefit anyone- and it makes those in your own program fearful of not being able to do things the right way when they hear you bad mouthing others. If people in Fusion could focus on their own growth instead of everyone else’s, young people seeking missions programs would probably be way more attracted to coming there on their own, instead of needing to be stolen away from other programs and tricked into doing missions the ‘right way’.

 

Loving God and developing a real relationship with Him is what will guide people toward the truth. It is the Lord, not us, that holds people firmly within the palm of the hand. As a believer matures they will begin to learn what different stances there are on doctrine, and won’t just refuse to form any opinion on them. However, doctrine is to help us understand God, not God to understand doctrine. In Scripture, it is only after God reveals Himself through the prophets, priests, heroes of faith and brings it all to climax in the person of Jesus, that Paul and the apostles go on to explain in their letters what living in a relationship with God should practically look like for each church body. But it's actually knowing our God, our Creator, Father and friend that sustains us and guides us to understand these things. To skip over the story of our grave sin and his glorious redemption is missing the whole thing.

 

The bottom line is: Do we really believe that “amazing grace” works in real life? Is Scripture to be trusted when it says that God will finish the work he has started in someone (Phil. 1:6) or that it is “God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure” (Phil. 2:13), and that if you walk by the Spirit you will not carry out the desire of the flesh (Gal. 5:16)? (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 13) When I have previously spoken to Midwestern staff members, they have acknowledged that they are aware of the many problems within Fusion, yet no one sees all these issues as enough reason to put a stop to it at the school. It’s as if their thinking is “But what’s left at Spurgeon if we put a stop to things in Fusion and there’s no more outreach program?” I’d say God’s love and grace is a pretty good starting point!

 

Before Fusion split for Christmas break, there were always many warnings to not fall astray. Leaders had a major fear that candidates would return to worse sinful patterns than they entered the program with, and without giving names, they told many stories of how they’ve seen it happen over the years: the girls getting pregnant, people becoming suicidal, questioning God, letting doubts slip in about the Fusion program, or abandoning the faith altogether. They would argue that all these things occur to Fusion students specifically because the devil will do anything he can to keep you from your calling (which of course was to stay in-line with the Fusion program).

 

Though I believe the enemy does have a big part in what happens to those who leave Fusion full of sin and brokenness, it has much more to do with the extreme pressure within the program causing only external change, which then proves to be a lie when people leave and see that their heart had actually become blackened. It’s foolish to say that through Fusion, God had caused hearts to be genuinely changed, and then the moment people left the program the devil was able to successfully undo what our God had caused. And it’s a contradiction to say that leaving the program only showed how what was in their heart all along was disobedience, and that if they would’ve done Fusion more obediently, it would’ve carried through to their lives back home. That argument fails because those candidates are exactly the ones who are given regular reminders, “Don’t question the heart of things, just keep doing Fusion and one day you’ll just ‘get it’.” The only logical explanation of the sudden and dramatic life problems for people who left, is that they didn’t realize they had been living a lie all along. They had been tricked into believing that going along with the system will create changed behavior if you just don’t overthink, and don’t try to make too much sense of it. Making someone behave might make us feel better, and it might make them look better, but it does not transform the heart. As we remove the manipulation to perform, unredeemed hearts may well jump into sin with abandon.

 

There is a temptation to use external pressure to accomplish what only God can do inside the heart. Jesus spoke against religious leaders who used such external pressure. In Matthew 23:4, he called them false guides “who tie up heavy loads and put them on men’s shoulders…” What a sad and stark realization, that someone can disappear under such a heavy load and lose their self, only to find out years later, when the load is stripped away, that they were never in a life-giving relationship with Jesus. On the other hand, when someone does know the Lord, their relationship with him is free to flourish when the load is finally lifted. It is the job of true shepherds to help lift the load, not make it heavier.

 

Many believers accept the truth of Ephesians 2:8–9, that it is not by works that we are saved but by God’s grace. But then they lay on a load of performance for their sanctification. The message of earning salvation by works was rejected, only to be replaced with the message that one must earn one’s way to obedient Christian living. Do more, try harder. The difference between a performance-based Christianity and a grace-based Christianity is whether you are being constantly saddled with a burden of performance or whether you are “constantly directed to Jesus as your only hope, encouraged to rest in Him as your only source of life and power.”  (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 1)

 

Letting walls come down will show what’s really happening and it may lead to a lot of chaos. But hopefully what you see left behind if the program are true believers who want to tell the lost about Jesus. When there’s no more spectacular missions group left to boast about at the school, can’t we still boast in the grace and love of Jesus that has saved us from such great sin? Surely, if the Bible continues to be taught at Spurgeon College, there will be students who have an overflowing desire to tell about God’s goodness, especially to tell those yet to hear. That’s all missions is really about, right?

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“I will praise you, Lord, among the nations;
    I will sing of you among the peoples.

For great is your love, reaching to the heavens;
    your faithfulness reaches to the skies.

Be exalted, O God, above the heavens;
    let your glory be over all the earth.”

(Psalm 57:9-11)

 

When there’s no more official structure to gospel-sharing or discipleship ministry, it can seem hard to know how things could practically happen in a similar way as before. I’ve found a great place to start is with the book, Spiritual Multiplication in the Real World by Bob McNabb. It’s a simple read designed for graduates who were in campus ministry, or people who were involved in para-church programs, but afterward were left wondering how to be gospel sharing Christians who multiply the kingdom once all the formality is gone and you’re just a ‘normal church-person’ again. It avoids getting stuck in a formula, yet also gives basic tools and principles that Jesus Himself seems to emphasize for evangelism. The book helped me connect all the dots and un-categorize things after recovering from Fusion so I could get back to the reasons I wanted to do missions in the first place. It gives a simple approach:

 

  • When there’s much gospel need, you pray for laborers.

  • When the laborers are unsure who to witness to, you ask God to show where to go.

  • When you’re spending much of your time in the word and prayer, but not acting, you discuss and plan as a group what you can begin doing  to live out what you’ve been learning.

  • When you’ve been going, going, going. but have forgotten the reasons why you’re doing it all, you come back together in prayer and study of the Word to draw your strength once again from God.

 

While the book does address the great need for missionaries to UPGs across the globe, it also explains how often people head overseas with strategies and formulas believed to be tried and true, yet have never learned to live a life following Jesus when all the structure is taken away. The author McNabb admits that he set out to write the book for his missionary teams on the field in need of it, but came to realize the things he was writing applied to any gospel-focused person who tends to feel left with nothing after leaving ministry. While in some ways, these things are very similar to what the Fusion program does, I believe releasing people from the forced loads given after they sign away their free-will and allowing things to happen naturally is essential to correcting what has hurt so many.

 

The good thing about having a missions community with a loose structure, is that people are free to come and go however they please. Simply living out together the things God is teaching, and letting your praise to God overflow into the lives of unbelievers who need to hear (no matter the country!) will result in increased interest in what God is doing through that group. When it’s going well, people will hear the exciting testimonies, and more people may be compelled to join in. If people begin joining quickly and things get a bit too disorderly too fast, some might stop coming, but if there’s an honest nature about the group, people won’t keep up with mottos that say, “everything is going so great!’, but will be more focused on recentering themselves around the basics of who God is until there’s once again a solid foundation to build off of.

 

In the Fusion context, people use great energy to get others to come join, but as soon as they do, they are given rules, high standards to meet, and constant reminders that they aren’t measuring up. The love and grace of Jesus is only a quick mention in the middle of the great pressure. Until Jesus returns, I’m convinced that the house of God needs to have a revolving door- not trapdoors that easily allow people in but never out, or that easily push people out but never a chance back in. Jesus says the wheat and weeds can grow together and He’ll work it all out in the end. This may seem intimidating to our order, or even contradictory to the assurance Jesus gives us, but after all, He is the one who gives assurance of salvation, not us. We have no way of managing that over others and must follow his instruction to not prioritize uprooting weeds. While leaders must be held to a higher standard, the rest do not. While calling out false teachers is an essential command, this mindset must not overflow into every interaction we have with the general church community.

 

When people don’t have the pressure of being committed to missions, but rather are able to relax and put their trust in the God who is committed to them, missions will flow naturally from that. When issues of the Fusion program have been confronted before, everyone acts like they’re in a bind. “Yeah, there’s these problems, but what can you do? Jesus tells us to be missional!” I hope people start to see that this is ridiculous. There’s plenty of other ways to accomplish missions training besides this, and more healthy ways would allow people to be committed to the extent that the Spirit leads them.

 

If Midwestern adapted to this sort of approach, there can still be leaders who help students make connections with the organizations they want to partner with to travel overseas, or even help plan the steps towards permanently living overseas among UPGs in the future. But let’s start letting God be God, and all of us be only His servants. There’s no need to tell vulnerable Christians what God’s role is for them and that if they can’t do it, they’re out. It’s foolish to think that it just has to be this way. God is big enough to lead His followers in His plans for them all on His own, and He promises to equip them for every work He has called them to. In every season, we need to first seek for ourselves how God is teaching us to live for His glory.

No Holy Spirit

A far too commonly spoken phrase you hear in Fusion is, “You can love the Lord your God with all your heart, but if you can’t do _______ , you’re gonna die!” Examples included: changing a flat tire while stranded in the middle of nowhere, building a fire in freezing temperatures, navigating through mountains using only gps coordinates, etc. While, of course, it benefits missionaries to have the life-skills needed for the type of environment they’ll be living in, the way our training situations compared to the our situations overseas was highly exaggerated. On top of this, the very foundation of what we understood about successful mission work was being built on self-sufficiency.

 

These comments had always left me cringing at the notion that the greatest commandment was insufficient, yet it wasn’t until spending time with needy church planters that the validity of their comments was completely shattered. When traveling through the bush of Africa in a clunky van close to the end of its life, the missionary taking us had some very makeshift ways of keeping the vehicle running. Yet, when something wasn’t working, we would pray, and it would! The fact of the matter is, God is powerful enough to do anything. It would be disobedient to use this as license to continue life unprepared in ways we know that we need to be, but it would be just as disobedient to prepare for everything imaginable out of the belief that God cannot or will not provide what is needed.

 

More often than not, Jesus actually commands his followers to go unprepared. That’s right- without planning ahead for what they will need. In Matthew 10, he sends his disciples with the instruction to take no money in their belt, no bag, no extra clothes, but to rely on the people they are ministering to for as long as they accept them there. He does not instruct them to be shrewd as snakes and innocent as doves so they can avoid danger and arrest, but in the following verse says that they will be handed over to the authorities in order to be a witness to many. And even then, they were not to prepare ahead of time what they should say because the Spirit would give them the right words.

 

In Paul’s journeys, he follows the same pattern of relying heavily on the Spirit and on members of the church to host him and send him. He lived as a slave to Christ… slaves are provided what's needed for them to continue their labor, not a comfortable safety net that makes them feel extra-prepared. There were plenty of times he should’ve died! Yet God sustained His life supernaturally. He does not enter in with trickery and subtle deception. Like it says in Acts 26:26, none of what he did escaped the king’s notice and it had not been done in a corner. He mentioned in verse 22 that when Jews tried to kill him, God helped him so that he could give this testimony. And that nothing He spoke was more than what the prophets and Moses foretold! He’s appealing to his integrity here. He is letting them know that if they persecute him, they too will be persecuting Jesus because there’s no reasonable way he should’ve been able to accomplish all this through ordinary means without the Spirit of Jesus empowering him. He wasn't manufacturing his ministry around a set outcome he desired to bring about, but was living in simple obedience to the God who foretold all of this and now led his journeys through the indwelling Spirit.

 

Someone who says, “I know God’s specific plan for you” without knowing any of your life’s context, and then starts talking about their own ministry views and opinions is actually the only person we can be sure is not speaking of God. Even Jesus didn’t just blurt it all out and say, “I am God incarnate, so you better listen to me!” He let His words and actions speak for themselves and let the confession of His followers testify of who He really was. It's important to have a solid foundation of theological truth, yet theology as it was used in the Bible was never something implanted into people’s minds like information on a hard drive. The purpose was never  to memorize all the right information in advance so you would seem to know better than others. The power of the Spirit worked in mysterious ways for each individual person so that the truth was undeniable for those who had  eyes to see it.

 

Something our Fusion team would often watch together was the 2018 American Gospel Documentary. It was brand new at the time and we were all excited about its impact. It gets into some amazing topics and beautifully explains the need for the centrality of the gospel! The one critique I had was that it didn’t explain the person of the Holy Spirit. Out of curiosity, I asked my advocate about this and I remember her reacting strongly, “What are you even talking about!? It showed false uses of the Spirit and pointed to the need for the gospel.” The thing I do admire about this film is that it points out very common issues in the church and then reframes them in light of the Scripture… yes! Yes! YES! Towards the end, it showed many valuable examples of false teachers abusing their followers’ beliefs about spiritual power, but then it just ended. I remember disappointedly wanting more, “Ahhh, I really was expecting an explanation of what the Spirit does do,” I said. The documentary had a wonderful animated diagram of the trinity, specifically delving into the relationship between the Father and the Son, but again, the Spirit was just there.

 

If we believe that salvation is not by works but by the Spirit of God working in our hearts, and that spirit continues on living in us, do we think he’s just chillin’ in there bored out of his mind with nothing to do? Even if you’re taking a total cessationist perspective and don’t believe any of the giftings in the scriptures are continued today, you still have to replace that with what the Scripture is talking about all throughout the New Testament when it refers to the person and working of the Spirit. As I pressed into this question a bit more with other leaders, I noticed that there seemed to be a general discomfort with getting into that discussion at all.

 

I understand that this is a very common dilemma in conservative Baptist circles, but when it comes to missions, how would we even think of accomplishing anything among unreached nations without talking about the Spirit in some way? I want to believe that Fusion is an outlier as I have much respect and love for the theology I was brought up in under the Baptist church. But while the dynamics present in Fusion are alarming, it’s also pretty ironic that they're the logical outcome of what you’d get from all the Baptist  stereotypes cranked to 11. I guess I don’t know what else I should’ve expected at a Baptist seminary other than the epitome of Baptist life, but I would’ve thought there would be some sort of common understanding, especially among missionaries living in the 10/40, that anyone who believes in salvation by grace through faith in Jesus Christ is an ally, not an enemy.

 

Making enemies with those who focused more on the Spirit that we did was common. Not everyone came to Fusion from the same background, and those who strongly believed in continuation of the gifts were often put down for it. We would also frequently make fun of groups like YWAM and more charismatic missions efforts because it seemed like they didn’t have a “real plan”, stable supporters, or practical methods, but were blindly heading overseas. Surely there was nothing we were blind to. 

 

We definitely had a method and we stuck to it. After our evangelism times, we were criticized for the way we said things, or didn’t say things. These “constructive” criticism times were planned and intentional, yet the more I was given critiques from harsh leaders and teammates, the more fearful I became when I next spoke with an unbeliever…. not fearful of them, but fearful of my leader. On the other hand, the more I listened to my leaders, the more my attitude toward unbelievers became unemotional and removed. All I ever wanted to do was find someone, lock eyes with them, and let the joy of the Spirit guide my speech. There were times when I would do this but my team totally picked up on it, and teased me later for ‘going freestyle’, and not following what I knew was the way we spoke about Jesus.

 

The style of the gospel message we used to evangelize was very much ‘the bad news necessary for it to be good news’. (Which I one hundred percent agree with!) However, I’m not used to having to talk about God all one way. For example, if I came across someone with a lot of church hurt in their past, I’d often realize it may be best simply to listen to them, ask questions, and offer encouragement. What they need most is probably whatever’s radically different from the way previous Christians treated them poorly. It was in times like this that my leader would comment afterward that since I didn’t talk about God’s judgment, I didn’t really share the gospel. If these types of people had been told they’re going to hell their whole life, you'd think they already got that part!

 

I also tend to find myself pulling things from all over Scripture when I talk about God. It wasn’t all too uncommon that I’d think of an example from Leviticus, Ecclesiastes, Hosea, or Jude and steer the conversation in a unique way that seemed to fit a person’s need. Much of this was also seen as a tangent or a waste of time that could’ve been spent on the essentials. I always did make it my goal to proclaim the core truths of God’s mercy and grace to sinners who are by nature His enemies, and entirely undeserving of sharing in Jesus’ death and resurrection, but isn’t that what the whole Bible is about? The Bible never gives the gospel as a concise, compact, 4 short and sweet bullet points version that’s not tied into a context where all sorts of other issues are being brought up alongside it. While having loose frameworks in our minds to help us categorize and remember important gospel truths is wonderful, there’s no need to compartmentalize God.

 

Does the Spirit not guide our minds to give us wisdom and ideas of how to be a witness to the lost? Does He not show us which things are important to emphasize according to each person’s needs? God is sovereign over all things in such a way that He appoints our times and places so that we might seek Him and find Him (Acts 17:26-27), meaning that when I approach unbelievers with the gospel, I can have confidence that with everything I know or don’t know at that point of time, God still appointed me to be there as the ambassador of Christ. Everything seemingly unimportant that’s occupying my mind during the conversation, or everything I realized I forgot to mention after the fact doesn’t really matter! Of course, the more I speak with people the more I will learn to be a clear and effective witness, and I’ll joyfully continue to strive towards excellence, but at the end of the day, if God is the one who placed the person there in front of me, He will make sure I have whatever it is He wants them to hear.

 

As a highly empathetic person, I sometimes felt I could see into things behind the words someone actually spoke. Of course, we must take the warnings of the Bible seriously, not having zeal without knowledge (Proverbs 19:2). Yet, when I was witnessing with someone and shared with my team afterward what I believed the Lord was showing me about them, I often felt ridiculed. Seeking the Lord’s guidance on what the person might be going through was viewed as foolishness. I am always open to critique on how I might need to use more wisdom in an area I’m overlooking, but I’m not willing to go along with the teasing and belittling of Christians who focus on the spiritual, and will not be pressured into denying that the Spirit gives us insight or guidance at all.

 

A Christian movement I greatly admire is copy.church and the SellingJesus podcast, which both emerged after the book The Dorean Principle by Conley Owens. These teachers (who are themselves evangelical Christians) address crucial heart issues that evangelicals are prone to- such as calling out only other denominations’ misuse of money and use of manipulation while claiming it’s really the Holy Spirit. These abuses are indeed wrong, but evangelicals first need to look into our own religious systems and check whether we are doing the same thing. SellingJesus makes a strong case that the churches and organizations producing the most theologically sound teaching are often the same ones unknowingly hoarding biblical resources and living off passive income they’ve gained through marketing spiritual things. It’s devastatingly common that the teachers who rightly claim that salvation is by faith alone and complete regeneration through the Spirit, are the very ones who fail to give freely what they’re claiming to have received freely. Instead, they put a price tag on the resources they’ve created through the Holy Spirit’s working in their lives. They feel justified in this, saying, “Well, I had to put much time and work into this too, and the worker deserves his wages.” Yet they miss how this instruction goes hand in hand with Paul not accepting compensation so that the integrity of his ministry wouldn’t be compromised. He only allowed himself to be supported by the free generosity of God’s people. This furthered his ability to proclaim the gospel, but ensured that no one could deny the Spirit’s power.

 

It is tempting to underestimate the damage that “formula living” can do. In Matthew 23:13, Jesus condemned the Pharisees and hypocritical leaders for blocking the entrance to the kingdom of heaven from people who wanted to enter. The result of the spiritual abuse of Jesus’ day was that the leaders were slamming the door to the kingdom in people’s faces. The doors to churches are not slammed — rather, great energy is expended to get people to come. But what if some of the people who come to church spend years, perhaps a lifetime, around the religion of Christianity but never experience the reality of a relationship with the living Christ? Notice that the people being shut out of the kingdom are not hating and rejecting God. They are seeking God! Many come to God’s house and have been welcomed in. But having arrived, they are met, not with grace and relationship, but with heavy-handed authority, heavy weights of legalistic load-carrying, and pressure to perform. This is a form of godliness without power (2 Timothy 3:5).  (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 14)

 

This formula-living was seen in Fusion during evangelism, but also during our group's bible study. When we were going through a Bible passage, there was a very specific structure we had to stick to. I often was discouraged when I brought up a related topic, because tangents were looked down upon as not useful. There was a strong focus on the same gospel that saves you being what you continue living in throughout all of your Christian walk. This is definitely true! When saying this, the leaders were elaborating on Colossians 2:6, “As you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him.” Yet, for many of us this only turned into another rule that says, “if you’re straying too far from the gospel, watch out!” When you were warned about the centrality of the gospel, it was often a twisted way of setting other Biblical topics off limits. For example, if it was about works, never bring it up on its own! Instead, just talk more about the gospel, because how awful it would be to read from James without inserting Galatians 3 between every paragraph! If it was about healing and earthly forms of God’s blessing, never bring it up! Those signs were only to point to Jesus, how selfish to think that God came for you to be happy. No, it was only about His glory. Talking about salvation so frequently quickly became irritating simply because we knew it wasn’t acceptable to talk about much else... These are the type of unspoken rules that turned Fusion's gospel into an ugly trap that claimed to be about grace, but really was only interested in correct verbage.

 

“But if you bite and devour one another, take care that you are not consumed by one another. If we live by the Spirit, let's follow the Spirit as well. Let's not become boastful, challenging one another, envying one another.” Galatians 5:15, 25-26

 

I am a person who loves telling stories of what God has done and is doing because I see it as a way of praising Him and sharing what’s going on in a way I can never take any credit for. People in Fusion were often very quick devour you if they thought your motives were ingenuine when talking about your own experiences. They seemed to think it was a challenge and by default assume something was from evil intentions if it wasn't worded in a perfectly selfless way. They would make you out to be a show-off for what you've been a part of, become critical, and even passive aggressively respond, “I’m just thankful that Jesus saved me and there’s no more works I have to do to repay it.” The number of times I heard this made me so frustrated! And that feels awful to admit because after all, they're right! They just didn't take the time to listen to or believe people. It's a shame that there can be so much fear that someone might stray from the gospel in a Christian group, that even the gospel itself becomes a way of keeping people under law.

 

Of course this is an impossibility- no true gospel can keep people in bondage. But oh how badly I wanted this all to be true! How good would it have been if Fusion really was a group of young people this unified, this serious about the gospel, and this devoted to prayer for and evangelism to the lost, and all out of the right motives. I wanted so badly to overlook these sorts of stinging remarks and let my mind think, "I guess they just really love the gospel". I wished that’s all there was to it, but I couldn’t reconcile the thought that something fabricated using the types of methods Fusion demands could be in agreement with the true and pure Spirit of Christ.

 

A reason why some Christian traditions tend to avoid discussions on the Holy Spirit is because using the “but God told me to” card can be incredibly dangerous, and can turn into a license to believe that every desire in your mind is of God. We don't trust in the power of the Spirit because we want to incur happy feelings, exciting results, or safety and provision. We trust in the Spirit because what else can we really trust in for unexplainable joy, progress advancing the gospel, and everything practical we will need along the way? In my fleshly desires, I never want the things the Spirit leads me toward. I can usually tell for certain that something is the prompting of God if I don't really feel like obeying at all, but know I'm either going to do it, or feel sick to my stomach living with the lack of faith. If believers have an accurate understanding that living by the spirit is the only way to uncircumstantial freedom and true peace, yet will always look the opposite of living selfishly, then we don't need to be overly fearful that we'll mistake the spirit for our own desires. The beginning of repentance is admitting that our own works and desires will never satisfy us, and they truly can't. If we end up following our own selfishness for a time and have the Spirit inside us, we’ll know it because it’ll never work out for us anyway.

 

I didn't want to come to a missions program because it sounded like a fun career choice. When the Spirit of God led me to the program at Midwestern, I had a conviction that I couldn't shake, and knew this was where I was supposed to be. I learned before I ever arrived at Fusion that to follow Christ and claim the same mission of Paul and the apostles who preached the gospel “where Christ had not been named” was to put my hand to a plow I couldn't ever turn away from. I was aware that like Peter, I wasn't shown an enormous post-resurrection catch to have motivation to return to a former fishing career, but would myself need to be tied and taken where I did not want to go. Yet the call was still, “What is that to you? You, follow Me!”

Who We Are Pre and Post-Fusion

Before I went into the Fusion program, I was scared of very little when it came to how far I’d go to make the gospel known. I always secretly desired to go on a mission trip as soon as I turned 18, find someone who would host me there if I earned my keep, and never return home. Fusion changed me a lot. While in my mind, I know that I still want to live my life radically for the glory of God and the spread of the gospel, I experienced a lot of trauma associated with partnering with the church and christian organizations. And even greater anxieties became associated with not partnering with the right ministries or being one of those ‘crazy, rogue missionaries’ without one. 

 

I’ve been able to continue past this dark season of my life but unfortunately, this is a cycle that you get stuck in. I continually realize ways that I still go along with Fusion’s patterns of behavior and unknowingly harm the people around me in the same ways I was harmed. I am the one raising awareness on these things, yet can’t deny that anxiety and a lack of genuineness in conversations with Christians is still a struggle that has continued with me up to now because of all the scenarios that play through my mind when something reminds me of Fusion. Especially when I have joined a new church group or am meeting people for the first time, there’s this constant back and forth between totally oversharing information (because I’m trying so hard not to be fake), or sharing only one side of myself (because I want to avoid freaking them out with the heaviness of my full story).

 

On a day when I have increased social anxiety, I find myself trying to predict how the other person will respond before deciding what to say. I know that these patterns I slip back into are harmful to people, and affect people the same way I was affected by those living a double life. The most important thing for me in overcoming these tendencies has just been realizing when it’s happening. When I keep turning it over to God, He will keep offering grace without end. In this section, I will explain how even after leaving the system, it felt impossible to return to being my usual self. I’ll give examples of the types of social settings that have often re-triggered past problems I had while in Fusion. Most importantly, I’ll finish by sharing the ways I’ve been able to renew my mind and focus on God’s grace without falling back into these traps. What happens to students in the Fusion Program is devastating and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone, but God always makes a way to restore our faith stronger than ever before!

 

In spiritually abusive systems, you learn to deny your own thoughts and feelings in deference to those in authority. Normal learning experiences by trial and error are off-limits and result in heaps of shame. You are not allowed the freedom to threaten the order of the system, including interacting normally with the outside world. Manipulation may result in you developing a great radar in knowing when people are stressed in a situation and picking up on when people are talking in code instead of saying something straight. It becomes hard to trust people, and hard not to read into what they say. People coming out of Fusion often struggle with lying and deception, or not being able to tell what is true at all.  This results in being out of touch with your own feelings, guessing at what is normal, and being afraid to take healthy risks.  (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 19)

 

To survive in Fusion, you begin basing what you believe is happening on what the leaders say as if you actually can’t discern it for yourself. After all, you’re not allowed to have an opinion or a voice! For months after leaving, I had distorted reality and sometimes couldn’t tell dreams or thoughts in my head from what was happening right in front of me. It was pretty freaky! I was constantly having nightmares of Fusion scenarios and lost restful sleep over it. When so fatigued that these faulty-perceptions crept into my waking thoughts, it became incredibly confusing. There were even several weeks that I spent the day outside in the forest with my survival gear just because it helped me stay grounded in something familiar. I had become so dependent on leaders telling me what was real, that I had lost my own ability to perceive what was happening without the previous structure.

 

I’m so thankful to the experienced counselors and the mentors who held onto me during this difficult season. I had to relearn from ground zero what it meant to have a voice- that I was in charge of how I perceived each situation I found myself in, and that I’m not bad for deciding to disagree. This was so unlike me to have to make myself work on confidence and self-esteem. ‘Pre-Fusion me’ was incredibly headstrong, and confident. Some people would consider me the most stubborn person they know, which I’d definitely never deny when it comes to my sense of justice! But even my personality type and motivations when it came to other things like athletics or academic achievements was vastly different before and after Fusion. I remember the way teammates and coaches used to joke around with me saying, “Girl! Sometimes I think you don't even know how to play this game right, you’re just so scrappy you never let the ball get past you.” I was a very gutsy- act now, think later- type of person. The type of character I had after Fusion was entirely different, not just in my faith and major life circumstances, but also in how I acted in the small moments that would seem second nature.

 

Though, for me, every aspect of my life and behavior seemed to be off for several years after Fusion, the most dangerous way Fusion changed students is by instilling in us a distorted view of God and self. Victims of spiritual abuse often begin seeing God as one who is never satisfied, vindictive, apathetic to victims of abuse, powerless to help victims, fickle and manipulated by our slightest mistake.  (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 3)

 

I struggled for years after Fusion to come back to a clear understanding of God’s character, not in my theology but in living by what I knew to be true rather than by the lingering lies of false leaders. Those who ‘fail’ the Fusion program never see themselves the same way they did before they entered the program. Those who ‘succeed’ and go on to become leaders become just as controlling as their leaders were, and judge people based off of themselves and their accomplishments in Fusion. After all, since they endured it, how could it be that bad to hold others to the same standards they were able to accomplish. Leaders themselves use this logic to reassure us, saying, “Look, all these students have succeeded the years before you came here! You’re in good company of those who are the evidence of this program's success.” The advocates would then go on to share a beautiful testimony or stories of salvation and baptisms that happened on their missions trip. They had learned how to say all the right things by this point to seem like genuine leaders, yet were severely lacking Christ-like character.

 

It makes a lot of sense that leaders put so much confidence in their achievements because those who leave spiritually abusive systems tend to have ongoing difficulty with personal responsibility. Their unresolved internal issues manifest in two extremes: under-responsibility and over-responsibility. When it occurs to you that no amount of performance will win the prize, you give up or settle for just getting by. Or you become responsible for everyone else’s job, including God’s. In this extreme, you feel that having needs or opinions is selfish and you martyr yourself, resulting in being numb to life.  (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 19)

 

Fusion members constantly operate out of these extremes. Those who are congratulated for meeting the standard usually become workaholics. They often think, “everything needing to be done that isn’t done by someone else, must be my job”. If people are being born, living, and dying without hearing the gospel, every minute matters. “Don’t Waste Your Life” sermons, living “Radical”, and other motivational Christian efforts turn into their internal law. I’ve heard many stories of how Fusion grads work rigorously to continue in the program as interns while also working long night shifts and waking up in the morning to chock-full class schedules. While having a busier season of life isn’t inherently wrong, I think that the number of students who take on massive loads of responsibility, allowing themselves little to no freetime, is a bit unusual and deserves a second glance.

 

Those who don’t achieve well in the program may also leave and quickly become obsessed with performing beyond their responsibility to prove others’ analysis of their experience wrong. I was this way for awhile- I took on a night job that was 70 hours a week right after leaving Fusion. I knew my only option apart from total despair was to just keep spinning my wheels, holding onto the hope that overachieving wouldn’t also put me in a rut. Eventually, I swung to the other extreme, and did despair. I had no energy left and was ready to totally give up on my responsibilities. Failure that is closely connected to one’s identity as a follower of Christ becomes paralyzing in every other area of life. Since my time in Fusion, I have had seasons of both extremes, and if my Fusion trauma is not kept in check, I’m unable to maintain a healthy balance in most areas of life.

 

Another common imbalance I struggled with was impulse buying, then not letting myself buy anything at all. Sometimes this meant returning to the rice and beans diet in order to “humble myself”. Sometimes I wouldn’t eat at all, or deprive myself of things that seemed pleasurable in a way I didn’t think I deserved. I would exhaust myself working all the time to try to save, then suddenly swing back to the realization “Fusion doesn't control me anymore I can relax and do the things I enjoy doing knowing God does not look down on me for it!” But even then, I could so quickly feel myself turning back to impulsivity and wanting to splurge on everything I desired because I wouldn’t keep living afraid of Fusion’s rules.

 

After Fusion, I took a year off school because of my mental health, but had been doing much better after that first stretch of recovery. I decided to try and go back to finish my Bible degree at a different Christian college, but my trauma got out of control. I started remembering all sorts of things that my mind repressed. It was overwhelming not knowing if my now safe circumstances were going to suddenly bring back old thoughts of fear and danger. I had paranoia around my teachers, and trouble loosening up about the workload and not overthinking the expectations. In this very normal school environment, failure didn't mean anything more than getting an ‘F’, which was a huge blessing! But it seemed impossible to get myself to really believe this, and trust that my Bible teachers were not anything like Fusion leaders and the supporting teachers at Midwestern Seminary. Returning to Bible school was a type of exposure therapy for me. It showed how big of an effect Fusion had on my personality, and how different I really was now. That was the hardest thing to grasp- that I would never quite be the same person again.

 

During my time at this Bible college, another Fusion trauma issue was being a part of the praise team there. I didn't realize ahead of time how many songs from Elevation/Bethel/Hillsong/etc. we would be playing, and during Fusion, these songs were seen as pretty off-limits for us ‘serious Christians’. I never listened to much of this stuff anyway, but because of the few songs I did really like by these groups, I got accustomed to the backhanded remarks when they came up in my playlists. With all the other trauma I was facing, once I realized this was their usual song choice, it just wasn't going to be worth it to continue in that praise team because of the battle in my mind. When I had to explain why I was quitting to the leader, I was met with a lot of confusion. I was fairly open with him that I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with the music choice, especially since they evaluate each song chosen for Biblical wording, but that my trauma from previous groups was hard to cope with.

 

His response was something like, “Well, if you don't think it's wrong then I don't understand… Are you scared these people will come after you? Do you have a good counselor to help you with these types of thoughts? This seems really confusing to you and there's no shame in getting help.” He even expressed feeling a bit upset with me for not staying on the team, “I think we have a great team and I really don’t understand why you think you shouldn't be a part of it anymore, but if you need help then that's obviously more important.” It was so hard to explain what I was feeling at that moment. What I could've said if I wanted to lay it all out on the table with this near stranger was, “Yes, absolutely. I have no shame at all in counseling and have been in it for over a year now! But even so, I can only work through one thing at a time, and comparatively, this is an easy thing to just put on hold for a while.”

 

When you try to be genuine with people about the reasons you can't or won't participate in activities because of past trauma, the problem is that they often don't understand unless you tell the whole story. It becomes incredibly difficult to just say ‘no’ when the inability to make confident assertions was part of what got you into the problems in the first place. To tell one reason why leads to having to explain how you ever got yourself into that predicament, and so on. It can start seeming simpler to isolate yourself from meaningful relationships, or bury feelings when you are around people who you know care about your wellbeing.

 

I was also interested in being a part of a different missions group after leaving Fusion and having that first recovery season. This came with a lot of paranoia as well. The group was way more low-key, but still wanted participants to be committed to attending the group regularly and not to skip prayer or evangelism times. These encouragements to be committed were terrifying to me because of the trauma I was facing. I was interpreting them in light of what Fusion discipline was like because that was the framework in my mind. It seemed impossible to just hear what these new leaders were saying and take them at their word. Because of the way Fusion uses manipulation, I heard it as never being allowed to miss a thing even if I was feeling horribly sick or had prior engagements. During the new missions group, every criticism seemed a lot bigger than it really was. In reality, this was the sort of program I would now be a proud proponent of. The members are fully supported by the roots of a local church, not by isolating into groups of other missions-minded Christians who talk a lot about strategy, but experience infrequent genuine connection to the outside world they claim to be about. From everything I've studied, their church-based, relationship-focused model seems to be very close to the Scriptural ideal for training people up as goers, yet it was impossible to get myself to fully accept it at the time. I desired to be a part of a missionary community so badly, yet my ability to trust those types of people again had been damaged.

 

A trust relationship with God is at the core of the Christian life. It’s a big deal when that trust is wounded. Mark Twain opined that a cat who sits on a hot lid will never sit on a hot lid again, but he probably will not sit on a cold one either. So “those who have been spiritually abused will have a hard time trusting a spiritual system again.”  (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 3)

 

When I first left Fusion, I had a bit of an unhealthy obsession with proving to myself that I was fit for missions. People often said if Covid wouldn’t have canceled the mission trip, I probably would've had a much different perspective. I wanted the validation of being able to prove God’s calling for me to be true over the voices that told me I wasn’t enough- and to show how it actually checked out in real life. I’m thankful to have been able to work in ministry again, help lead teams overseas, and continue to seek where God wants me to live among UPGs long term. But, after seeking all these wonderful ways to work hard in life in service to the Lord, I realized that none of these ministry positions gave me any more confidence in what I knew to be true about my Fusion experience than the confidence I already had from drawing near to Jesus.

 

Because Fusion operates out of an accredited seminary that my own pastors thought highly of, it took me a while to grasp that the way they use Scripture could still be entirely wrong. I struggled for a couple years to read much of the Bible without feeling devastated and distraught. I used to be the type of girl whose Bible was constantly falling apart at the seams because I truly delighted in spending time in the word! After Fusion, anytime I tried to spend significant time in the word or in prayer I would fall back into the trap of shame. It felt very difficult to renew my mind when I was only able to see how the verses had been twisted to hurt me in the past. The ways I had previously been able to meet with God and experience His love, only drove me further into depression and traumatic memories.

 

I eventually decided to stop pressuring myself to do things that seemed right, but weren’t practically helping, and began only reading daily the children’s devotional Thoughts to Make Your Heart Sing by Sally Lloyd-Jones, and setting a timer to only let myself to pray for a few minutes in the morning (I knew any longer and my thoughts started spiraling out of control). I know other people from Fusion who did this as well when the largeness of the Scriptures had become too overwhelming. Looking back, I can see how it was these simple habits of renewing my mind that restored my faith in Jesus. It was a mistake to try to restore my faith in God’s calling for me by simply switching my confidence over to a new type of missions group- I needed to learn to place my trust back in God alone, even if it started small. It’s only through God’s incredible patience in reminding me that it’s okay to rebuild my faith in Him little by little that I’m at the point I am now- able to confidently point out and defend the injustices still being done.

 

There may not be specific external symptoms of spiritual abuse, but the clues that it is happening include lack of joy, tiredness from trying to measure up, disillusionment, and lack of trust. Is this the abundant life Jesus offered? David spoke about abundance: “For Thou, Lord, are good, and ready to forgive, and abundant in lovingkindness to all who call upon Thee. “ (Psalm 86:5)  Paul wrote about abundance : “[how] much more those who receive the abundance of grace and the gift of righteousness will reign in life through the One, Jesus Christ. (Romans 5:17). And, “My God shall supply all your needs according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” (Phil 4:19) (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 18)

 

Peter reminded us about abundance: “You are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God’s own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him, who has called you out of darkness into his marvelous light, for you once were not a people, but now you are the people of God; you had not received mercy but now you have received mercy.” (1 Peter 2:9-10) Where has the experience of His fullness gone? Paul points to the solution: “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” Transformed is not about being forced into something from the outside but rather being changed from the inside out. This isn’t something done to you; it is something done by you. If your mind is renewed, you will be changed. A similar thought is in Colossians 3, “Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth.” (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 18)

 

How do we set our minds on things on the earth? Spiritually abusive relationships demand performance and shame us for not measuring up. In spiritually abusive relationships, we receive condemning messages aimed not only at our actions but at ourselves, at the core of our identity. “You are stupid,” “You are worthless,” “Big boys don’t cry,” “That’s just like a girl,” “Shame on you.” In fact, outside of Christ, we are defective. The Lord loves us even so. Psalm 117 tells us that his lovingkindness is great toward us all; Matthew 5 says that God causes the sun to shine and the rain to fall on both the evil and the good; and John 3:16 declares that God “so loved the world.” (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 18)

 

The wrong response to our defectiveness is to try harder to change our behavior or self-conception of ourselves. Romans 10:11 says that whoever believes in him will not be put to shame. The way out of shame is not more effort—it is a new identity. In Christ, we are a new creation. If it is true that we are a new creation, then all our efforts at giving the old creation a make-over are a waste of time. There can be a nasty twist with shame: if someone accepts a shameful identity as who they are, they may choose to continue to act in line with that identity, punishing themselves and confirming their faulty identity in a vicious cycle. If a person has bad habits or abusive habits, it can be a way of shaming themselves, which they feel they deserve, by doing more of their bad habits. They are living up to their mistaken perception of their identity. (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 18)

 

Enter Paul’s comment in Galatians 6:15 that it doesn’t matter whether we have been circumcised or not. What counts is whether we have been transformed into a new creation. The solution is neither giving up nor trying harder. The solution is a new identity. If we drive ourselves into the ground trying harder and harder, we almost can’t help pressuring others to do the same. We grow up learning to draw our identity from the opinions of others as well as our own behaviors and accomplishments. This is what Paul calls “a mind to put confidence in the flesh” (Phil 3:4). David acknowledged that there had been a problem from day one (Psalm 51:5-6). He needed more than a fresh coat of paint; he needed a radical change of condition. In the same chapter, he calls on God to purify him and make him clean, to create in him a clean heart. This theme shows up in other passages as well. ) (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 18)

 

“Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your filthiness and from all your idols. Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.” (Ezekiel 36:25-26)

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“Let us draw near with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water.” (Hebrews 10:22)

 

“He saved us, not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to His mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewing by the Holy Spirit, whom He poured out upon us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by His grace we would be made heirs according to the hope of eternal life.” (Titus 3:5-7)

 

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, that person has become a new creation: The old has gone, the new is here!” (2 Corinthians 5:17)

 

This is not about rehabilitation, this is about re-creation. We have a new state and a new identity in Christ. It is this mindset that we must adopt daily to keep from falling into old, entrapping behaviors, or coming under the dictates of spiritual leaders who do not know how to lead us to real life and freedom. It can be a challenge for any believer, let alone one who has been abused in God’s name, to believe and act as though God has truly done this. It is so easy to accept our flesh-and-blood struggles as evidence to the contrary. It is an ongoing struggle to keep re-orienting our eyes and minds to “things above.” Breaking out of the trap of spiritual abuse requires a renewing of the mind. (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 18)

 

I still fall back into these Fusion-like traps of shame. It was so common in Fusion to hear the “right message” boldly proclaimed, but then still be loaded up with so much shame in more subtle ways. Even though we were frequently encouraged to confess, “I’ve realized I’ve been turning to xyz instead of to Jesus for my acceptance,” even these comments would became a new type of ‘false god’, because the grace found in turning to the person of Jesus was scarcely shown in real-life situations if we didn’t talk about our sins just the right way… the ‘Fusion way’. I remember many times trying my best to listen and respond well to my advocate’s critiques on certain sin patterns of mine, but if I didn’t respond just right, I’d only be critiqued more and it would never end! It became paralyzing to my faith. We were constantly able to talk hypothetically about acceptance in Jesus, yet, without ever allowing ourselves to experience it in reality- after all, now that we have been saved by grace, we must live most radically to get this great message to the unreached.

 

About guilt: if I realize that I am committing this sin of looking to myself instead of Jesus, there is no point in being weighed down with shame or scrambling to try harder to get it right. Guilt is like a spiritual nerve-ending that sounds the alarm that I am headed toward death instead toward God and life. If we confess, he forgives – over and done, move on. We can and do experience natural consequences of our sin but our standing with God remains secure in Christ. The extremes of shame and of self-righteousness are about focusing on self; the point of Colossians 3 is that our focus belongs on Christ. If I miss the mark, I am not weighed down with shame; conversely, if I live consistent with who I am in Christ and my behavior mirrors this, there is no room for self-righteousness. I respond to God with gratitude and keep my focus on him. (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 19)

 

Instead of falling for the trap within the trap, we must turn to Jesus right away and continue no longer dwelling on the shame that has already been paid for on the cross. Even for myself, as I’ve been spending much time thinking and writing about my most traumatic memories, I’ve needed to keep this practice of quickly turning away from my shame and returning to Jesus over and over again- knowing He is gladly ready to accept me with the abundant grace bought by His own blood. There’s no logical reason to let the grace purchased by His sacrifice go to waste. If our intentions are pure and our desire is to do good, we need not be ashamed of accepting forgiveness for when we’ve done evil. If it is true that there is no longer any condemnation for those who are in Christ, and if it is true that we are already accepted and complete in Christ, there is no need for us to use good behaviors to try to erase our shame or build a positive idea about who we are. We are free to have new motives for our behaviors in Christ. “The love of Christ controls us” (2 Corinthians 5:14).  (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 19)

 

Tim Keller has been quoted as saying that being accepted in Christ frees us up to run ‘for the joy that is before us’ rather than for ‘the fear that comes behind us.’ Many of us have had a mental image about the Christian life as if it were governed by two lists: a “good list” and a “bad list.” Doing things on the “good list” is important, doing things on the “bad list” is sin. If I use drugs, steal, or commit adultery in an attempt to meet my needs it is sin. What makes it sin is not that I performed a behavior on the ‘bad list’ – although I did do that. The sin is that I tried to draw life or significance from something that could not give it. Instead of trusting God I trusted a false god. That is missing the mark. Here’s the kicker: I can do things such as teach Sunday School or donate money to a good cause (the “good list”) as an attempt to validate myself or earn approval; this is still sin! It is sin because I am attempting to draw from something else what only the one true God can give. My behaviors look a lot more positive on the outside but inside I’m missing the mark just the same.  (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 19)

 

“But if we let Fusion come to an end, how will people heal after realizing how it’s been hurting students for so long?” Simple answer- by running to the arms of Jesus! He is pleased with us all the more for admitting our brokenness and bringing it to him. The worship leader I currently volunteer with at my church uses the devotional Before We Gather to center our minds on Jesus before the service starts. Last time I sang, the devo explained how many worship leaders open up by saying something like, “As we come into the house of God, you can leave all your problems at the door and find peace in His presence!” Don’t ever speak like this, the author argued, because we have a God who is strong enough to share in carrying our burdens if we yoke ourselves to Him- so let’s stop leaving problems at the door as we come to worship Him, then picking them right back up on our way out. Let’s come in and bring God every problem we have, trusting that He can fully restore us.

 

The thorough answer on how to navigate a shattered spiritual reality is that restoration requires open spaces for students to come in with their sinfulness, trauma, anger, and every other burden laid out on the table, and be consistently reminded of God’s grace that abounds even more where we are sinful. Putting someone who is a patient listener and eager to give grace in charge of facilitating times for those hurting is important. The focus should never be on “Not-Fusion”. I am certainly not wanting to create an “Anti-Fusion” club, but rather, offering guidance for people seeking to return to healthy environments where the focus is all on Jesus! People must learn to renew their minds from the sinful patterns Fusion has left us with by meditating on the simple truths of God and walking in them.

 

This chapter provides an amusing anecdote of some overdressed firefighters. The firefighters were called to a potential house fire. Eventually they were seen, six of them, all decked out in their protective gear, crowded around the furnace (specifically, around its malfunctioning blower motor, which had overheated and filled the house with smoke and a burning smell) in a tight crawl space. One of the biggest guys in the group was holding an old ice cream pail filled with water and was sprinkling water by hand to cool off the hot motor; they were all gathered around watching it hiss and spit as it converted the water to steam. The author took in this scene of helmets, axes, tanks, boots, slickers and ice cream pail and observed that for this particular job, the men seemed a little overdressed.  (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 19)

 

Scripture claims that we have Jesus Christ on our side. He is Lord, friend, brother, shepherd, and physician, the God of the universe. Jesus defeated the enemy for eternity on the cross. The Holy Spirit gives us spiritual gifts and spiritual fruit. We have a personal value and acceptance with God that is a settled issue in Christ. All of this “equipment,” and we as a church are sometimes guilty of focusing on buildings, committees, attendance pins for kids, making sure that nobody has watched any movies and that everyone’s hair is the right length. Overdressed, just like the firefighters in all their equipment, gathered around a small blower motor in a cramped crawl space, we find it deceptively easy to focus on those things while overlooking the wounded souls who have been hit by physical, sexual, emotional, or spiritual abuse.  (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 19)

 

As people like me who’ve walked through spiritual abuse begin clothing themselves in the imperishable things given to us by God, they will see how completely overdressed they are! As long as we draw our strength from Christ alone, there’s no fire too great for the church to handle. When choosing to let go of the superficial control over Fusion, and expose its true heart, there may be many ‘fires’ running rampant. If Christians actually are who we claim to be- the ambassadors of the ruler of the cosmos- we are more than prepared to extinguish the issues that will be revealed. We must only stop sprinkling handfuls of water on sparks, and make ourselves available to the issues needing our greatest attention.

 

An embassy is located in a foreign country; it is a safe place that is the sovereign territory of the ambassador’s home government. We are ambassadors (2 Corinthians 5:10) in a place that is not our home (Philippians 3:20, 1 Peter 2:11). Our true home government is where the King sits on the throne of grace. Here in this land, the church is meant to be a safe place, like an embassy for people seeking refuge. Here they should find no rotten words proceeding from our mouths, but edifying and helpful words that minister grace (Ephesians 4:29).  (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 19)

 

As I’ve spoken with others about what ending Fusion would have to look like in order for it not to bring even more chaos, a good idea that came up was waiting a full 4 years until beginning any new missions endeavors at Spurgeon- that way everyone involved with it at any level has already graduated. The times that leadership has shifted previously, it’s only been to someone who is also ‘Fusion-minded’. Taking a few years to renew students’ minds on the simple truths would allow time for recovery and establishing a solid foundation to build any future missions program upon. When the students’ focus is re-centered on drawing strength only from the Lord (and with no external pressure to do so), they’ll be more equipped than ever before to succeed at making disciples wherever in the world they may go.


Helpful reminders:

  • God loves us a great deal (1 John 3:1)

  • He is extravagant with his grace (Ephesians 1:6–8)

  • He can be trusted (Hebrews 10:23)

  • We have been made entirely new (Romans 6:6, 2 Corinthians 5:17)

  • We are blameless in his sight (Ephesians 1:4)

  • We have a major inheritance (Ephesians 1:11, Romans 8:16–17)

  • God is not keeping track (Hebrews 10:17)

  • He does not have a problem with our struggles and pain (2 Corinthians 1:3–4)

  • We do not need to improve on what he has done (Colossians 2:10, Hebrews 7:25)

  • When we fail, Jesus defends us (Hebrews 7:25, 1 John 2:1) 

(Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 19)

Our Problems Go Unaddressed

In Hebrews 13:17 we read that we are to submit to our leaders, and in 1 Timothy 5:17 we read that we ought to give double honor to those who lead well. In abusive systems, these verses tend to morph into “don’t think, don’t question, and don’t notice problems,” and those who break this rule are labeled as unsubmissive, unspiritual, and divisive. But not all leaders lead well. The difference between a shepherd and a wolf is that the shepherd looks out for the good of the sheep, while a wolf in sheep’s clothing is interested in consuming the sheep for his own needs. When Christians turn to their pastors or leaders for help, and their problems are discussed, analyzed, and used in order to make an example of unacceptable behavior, a role-reversal has occurred. Instead of the leaders using their strength, authority, and knowledge to build, protect, and nurture, they use those qualities to insure their own power, control, or recognition. (Johnson and VanVonderen, chapter 16)

 

Fusion candidates have experienced major depression, suicidalness, PTSD related to raised voices, gunshots, rape threats, and commands from the Bible. Many have ongoing anxiety and paranoia that good and trustworthy things in their life are being used against them. Some have afterwards gotten deep into sexual sin or begun turning to false comforts such as substance abuse, emotional eating, or other self-destructive habits to distract from the pain. These things are tearing people’s lives apart. It seems that everyone who has come forward to Midwestern for help and guidance has had their problems discussed, analyzed, and made an example of for future classes. We’ve mustered up great strength to reveal all the places where we’ve been hurt, and the people supposed to protect students have covered it up, twisted the story to control their reputation, and then talked about our faults through gossip and blame shifting. I’ve heard leaders at the school say, “Well, Midwestern Seminary doesn’t really have the power to stop the things happening in Fusion, if the International Mission Board decides to stop sending Fusion candidates overseas, then that’ll be the thing that ends it.” However, years earlier when I first had the confidence to speak up about my experience, I did go to the IMB. It seemed I was the very first one to bring this to their attention. They responded, “We can’t really monitor what’s happening through the program at the school, but we’ll send the matter over to a leader there.”

 

I refuse to believe that this school and missions organization have the power to send people all over the world to spread the gospel, yet no one has the power to stop abuse happening right under their nose! Does IMB have power over it? Midwestern? Whose job is it? God is over all, but someone is failing to faithfully steward the resources God has blessed them with for the benefit of His vulnerable children. Someone is allowing leaders of the Fusion program to deceive, corrupt, and twist the ways of God and charge young people thousands of dollars to be treated this way! Besides the Holy Spirit of the God who convicts all who live by Him, whose job is it to call these people out when they are ignoring the Spirit’s conviction and causing severe harm to young people?

 

I’ve now given out more of my own story than ever before, reached out to many who were scared to speak up, encouraging them that if we can explain enough of the hurt caused, enough of the evidence, someone will be faithful with the Lord to hear our pleas and respond justly. A more private attempt to raise awareness at Midwestern failed to happen because students at the school were warned by the admins that speaking up about these things would cause issues for their enrollment. To any faithful leaders with a say in this, for the sake of those who’ve been bold enough to come to you for help, and for those who will be harmed in the future if you do not, please act! Please pray to God for wisdom on how to make this right, and then do it. Do not disappoint those who have trusted you with their pain.

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Does grace have a chance in this system? Of course God can always work, but as a rule of thumb, sheep tend to follow shepherds. If the shepherds are power-posturing and offering legalism, sheep will only follow. Are you supporting what you hate? If you are locked down by the can’t-talk rule, you may be in a situation where you cannot change the system. You need not play the victim–even though you cannot change the system you can change yourself. Do you need to be right? Are you staying due to a sense that you are right, therefore you should not have to be the one to leave? Can you stay, and stay healthy, at the same time? If you feel forced to internalize all of your concerns with the system and to act incongruous to your internal beliefs and conflicts, your health and relationships are likely to suffer, and you should probably look for an exit. Are you able to decide your own limits–and stick with them?  (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 20)

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Do you believe God cares more about Fusion members than you do? We can take comfort in the fact that Jesus said He will build his church. He is not depending on us to fix all the problems. Is it possible the system might need to die? I understand the leaders at Spurgeon College, Midwestern Seminary, and the international Mission Board have many factors to consider. But based on the long history of unsuccessfully trying to adapt Fusion, it seems to me there’s a denial that ‘Ichabod’ may be the word hanging over the door. It is not worth your time and effort to prop up a place from which God himself is stepping back. (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 20)

 

If the leaders over the program don’t have an entirely different approach and mindset than those who’ve come before, superficial change may occur, but I’m afraid nothing will improve. Some of the most influential moments for me as a young believer were when a leader admitted to me that they’ve been getting something wrong, and apologized for not realizing it sooner. Nowhere does it say that those in charge of a seminary need to be right about everything all the time and cover up any trace of their flaws- if it can’t continue, and continue to keep people healthy, it has to end. Candidates in Fusion have no power to decide their own limits, and they are ridiculed when they try to. God cares greatly about those in the Fusion program. In this scenario, faithfully stewarding what God has given you means creating the best environment for people in Fusion to begin to heal. I believe that will happen only by bringing the program to an end.

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In the Bible, God’s acts of ‘decreation’ are a blessing to the many. When people’s hearts are so hard that they are no longer going to choose Him, he accelerates the hardening process by handing them over to the outcomes of their own desires. Up until now, It seems that the way leaders at Midwestern have intervened in Fusion has only slowed down its inevitable collapse (allowing more people to be hurt by it in the process). Every time God sets up a moment of choice before His final judgment- to get in the ark, or to continue in our own ways- it is a great blessing! This choice is what the gospel is all about! Midwestern leadership accelerating the structure of Fusion to a collapse, and creating safe harbors for its students to recenter their minds on grace, will be the only true test of who is pure in heart and admits their need for restoration v.s. who wants to divide and hold to harmful methods that have been proven faulty.

 

Let me be very clear- I have no idea whose hearts are truly saved by the Lord and whose are hardened towards him, denying their sins. I can’t tell who is consciously harming and afflicting vulnerable students from who has simply continued to play into an evil system they’re being deceived by themselves. All I know is that the massive pressures controlling the group as a whole (leaders, advocates, interns, and candidates all included) are not godly. It’s a trap that’s hard to define because of all the pressures that hide what is truly happening in the heart.

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What makes Fusion such a good trap in the first place? An effective trap has to be easy to get into and hard to get out of, and it must have some enticing bait to attract the prey. When the prey tries to get out, it will get stuck and struggle harder, eventually wearing itself out. There are different kinds of traps because there are different kinds of prey, but those are the concerns that drive the design of each trap. In abusive systems, the trap is constructed when leaders build a system which demands loyalty and obedience. There is a common fear among Fusion members that if you leave, you are leaving God’s protection or leaving God himself; there is also fear of all the perceived evils that are waiting outside the program. “Right standing with God” is a common bait. Leaders would persuade, “What else would you want to do with your life except serving God? The people who are leaving will never feel as fulfilled as we do!”

 

Like Paul’s words in 2 Corinthians 11:13–15 about false apostles disguised as servants of righteousness, part of the attraction of this bait is the opportunity to earn God’s approval with self-effort. It’s the temptation that if I only do things in this slightly different way that’s just outside of God’s command, I can become like Him, knowing good and evil all for myself! Paul continues in verses 16-20 to tease how the Corinthians are tolerating the people enslaving them, devouring them, and taking advantage of them! It’s the same story all over again of Israel wanting a King even though, “he will take your land, your daughters, your sons, your freedom, your money!” Knowing this fully, they conclude it’s better to be mistreated and miserable with an empty boast of outward progress that’s similar to their neighbors, than to trust God’s steadfast, abundant provision that seems foolish to the world. The approval of people, a paycheck, or even the continued promise that things might get better are typical bait used in spiritual traps.

 

However, the payoff, or the promised bait, keeps being just a little bit out of reach. Like the donkey chasing the carrot, the person trapped in an abusive system keeps running faster, chasing the carrot but never quite catching it. But the carrot is so close — if I quit now, I will lose all the effort I have put into it. Another version of this is the house that is a “money pit”: it keeps taking more money to fix but is never finished, always needing more repairs. There is another term for this: equity rescuing is when you put money into something in order to rescue the equity you have been trying to build up in it. The problem is that with every year that goes by, you are a little deeper in and have even more equity to rescue. Equity rescuing in an abusive system happens when, from one step to the next, a person keeps putting up with more and more and worse and worse, thinking that if they stick with it just a little longer it will surely pay off. (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 17)

 

I believe this type of spiritual abuse ‘equity rescuing’ is not only what candidates face when contemplating leaving the system, but also what the seminary has done when contemplating how to restore Fusion. Last year, a friend and I got together to catch up, and I had some big realizations from things she said had still been occurring in Fusion. Although I had tried to speak up to the IMB soon after my year in the program, I felt that everything had just “clicked'' in a new way when the two of us spoke, and wanted to try again to explain things in a more effective way. I got in touch with an administrator at Midwestern, and after I explained everything I could, he expressed how he was beginning to see how they’ve changed Fusion little by little over the years, hoping they would be able to correct it, but maybe that approach isn’t working at all.

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Though I was thanked after the talk and reassured that the information I brought forward was being used to implement change for the next year, as I prayed about it more, I remembered that people advocating for change the year before I came (when the original Fusion director was fired) were reassured in the exact same way, “it’s okay, we’re going to fix it.” I also began to hear of worsened issues developing, and the more I dug, the more I realized that everyone who has spoken to the leaders over previous years has been thoroughly reassured that their issues were being taken seriously, but if the same issues keep developing in new ways, how could this be true? Though I can share only my own story and experiences, I share it with plenty of confidence that I am not alone in my stance. For every story I’ve shared, I know of at least one other who had a nearly identical issue with their Fusion leaders. Advocates are trained thoroughly in how they are to handle their groups, and themselves claim that Fusion is a controlled and intentional process. I am not the odd one out who had a poor experience with the program. I am the common result of what happens to people who put their trust in Fusion leaders as having valid spiritual authority.

 

If the board of Midwestern is trying to convince themself that they’ve invested too much in Fusion to abandon it now, they are chasing after something they will never catch. With the understanding I have now, anytime I hear of new changes implemented, I’m more devastated than ever at the thought of how it will morph to harm people in new ways that the past candidates can’t even stand up against because the ‘rules’ of their experience were so different than the ones that were stood up against before. The only way I know how to stand up for those who continue to be hurt, only under ‘new and improved rules’, is by showing that there’s no amount of surface change that can create pure motives. You can’t keep on hoping forever that if you only invest more and more, one day it will all work itself out. Keeping the program running to save the appearance of the great things that were believed to have been established at your college is only putting off and intensifying the inevitable collapse. If the best time to bring Fusion to an end was ten years ago, the next best time is right now.

 

Whether the decision is made to end Fusion or not, I trust there will continue to be a struggle to implement change in the most healthy way. In implementing new designs that allow for students to heal from abuses, it's necessary to decide who you serve. If anyone is working in their position of leadership to please the donors, professors, ministry leaders, students, or anyone other than Christ Himself- they’ve already failed. 

 

“This, then, is how you ought to regard us: as servants of Christ and as those entrusted with the mysteries God has revealed. Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful. I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me." (1 Corinthians 4:1-4)

 

If leaders begin working just to please me or pacify the complaints of more people speaking up, they’d also be missing the point entirely. When serving God alone, you will not please everyone, but you will be able to carry out your ministry in a way that benefits those also wanting to live for God, and not men. It may be that you will identify in a new way with the experience of Peter and John when they healed a man (recorded in Acts 4). Remember that one of the core elements of spiritually abusive systems is power-posturing. The spiritual authorities of Peter and John’s day postured their authority, but Peter and John had true authority. By calmly healing the man, they made the religious leaders look powerless. The leaders met this new threat by laying down the can’t-talk rule. Peter and John boldly state that they are compelled to simply state what they have seen and heard. Paul wrote that in the end, he would answer to God, not other people (1 Corinthians 4:3-4). From Paul as well as Peter and John we learn the importance of continuing to tell the truth. (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 21)

 

A part of telling the truth is refusing to carry messages for other people. It will be more convenient for other people if they can unburden on you and trust you to carry the message to the leaders, and it will be more convenient for the leaders if they do not have to deal directly with the problems, but use you as a proxy. Triangulation will “protect” people from having to grow in relational maturity. And it will wear you out. Our enemy is not flesh and blood. People may stir up trouble and even be used as pawns, but they are not ultimately our enemy. As Believers, we believe there is power from the Holy Spirit that is available to us. This perspective helps us not to overrate the power of people who oppose us and not to underrate the power available to us. We are sent to sheep, as sheep, among wolves. We are not on a seek-and-destroy mission. How does a sheep even have a chance of ministering to wolves? By depending on a strong shepherd. It is often the case that God uses our weakness rather than using our strength. He gives strength to the weary, and he gives power to those who lack it (2 Corinthians 12:9-10; Isaiah 40:29-31). (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 21)

 

A little leaven leavens the whole lump (Note: the leaven Paul was referring  to was legalism in Galatians 5:9). It seems that sometimes where abuse is concerned, there is a lot of leaven. You cannot and must not avoid it forever–it will have to be confronted at some point. Much of the book has focused on abusive leaders who mistreat the members, but it can happen the other way around. If the members all orbit around the leader, offering mostly their needs but not so much their gifts, the leaders will be used up and burn out. In a healthy system, you are given the authority to carry out the functions for which you have responsibility. If either a leader or a rank-and-file member of a group is burdened with responsibilities and expectations, but are denied the authority to accomplish the task at hand, they are destined to burn out. A healthy system will see the leaders and members bringing both gifts and needs, and all orbiting around God-the-Trinity, the One who can meet needs and give life. (Johnson and VanVonderen, Chapter 21)

 

I have no idea if this piece of writing is meant to have a small, personal impact on people who have been wounded and need to feel understood, or if it will spark more and more of a challenge against the school’s methods and be a force for major change. If significant shifts begin to happen at Midwestern and in the communities supporting the Fusion Program, it will be essential to delegate those with a thorough understanding of trauma and spiritual abuse to help needy students sort through the messes, the leaven, that threatens to once again create division. Many candidates who have issues with Fusion have been forced to talk with those studying counseling at the school if they want to continue in the program. I haven’t heard of anyone who had a positive experience with this approach. Students finally need to be heard by someone who is truly unbiased from defending the school!

 

It isn’t on any one person’s shoulders to do the heavy lifting and work rigorously to change the situation. Getting back to spiritual health looks like everyone involved submitting themselves to the God who is the only one able to change hearts and bring healing. Anyone appointed as leaders over implementing change only need to be patient listeners who aren’t threatened by hearing of brokenness, and know how to consistently point to the only one who can heal, yet not in a way that diminishes the severity of the problems. This isn’t a movement calling for an anti-Fusion revolt. I’m certainly just as capable of sin and wielding manipulation as anyone who manipulated me. Creating spaces for healing will have to start with servant leaders who are able to let go of the ‘who’s to blame’ mindset. If people at the college begin talking about the sort of issues I’m raising, I know that the mess is inevitable. Each person can only decide who they serve. Once the truth comes out, there will be no use in trying to control anyone else’s decisions anymore. All we can really say is, “As for me, I will serve the Lord!”

Works Cited

Johnson, David, and Jeffrey VanVonderen. 2005. The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse. Minneapolis, Minn.: Bethany House

Publishers. 

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A Fusion alum's article on the Christian Missions Program located at Spurgeon College and Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary.

5001 N Oak Trafficway, Kansas City, MO 64118

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Fusion is also affiliated with the International Mission Board.

3806 Monument Ave, Richmond, VA 23230

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